Day 13-Write a letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Dear Ex,

I don't know how to begin to tell you how disappointed I am in you and our relationship.  I loved you more than anything in this world.  I loved you with my whole heart and soul.  For someone who hasn't had a lot of that in his life, I can't imagine how you wouldn't want to soak all that love up like a sponge.

I think a lot of our problems were associated with us being to used to being on our own.  Me, I loved my space, but I yearned to have that connection with you, that bond, that never-ending love that you get when you are truly fall for someone.  For you, you were so used to being on your own, that when I tried to invade your "space", it was like a personal attack against you and a constant struggle between us.  All I wanted was you, time with you!

I hate how you have hurt me, I hate that I have allowed you in so far into my heart, that you were able to rip and tear it apart.  I hate that every weekend, you were blowing me off, arguing with me, etc and I was at home, alone, crying because I was in so much pain.  And you never could understand that you hurt me.  That my reactions were based on how you hurt me.  It's like a fight or flight situation, yes I do have an attitude, but only because I was provoked by either your words or actions. 

I hate that you know that something is bothering me or is making me mad, but still either don't do anything to change it, act like it doesn't exist or is "not that big of a deal".  I don't trust you.  Plain and simple.  Why you might ask?  Because, like I have told you, YOU CAN NOT PLAY A PLAYER!!!!  I know all your tricks, maneuvers, etc.  I feel if you aren't with me, it's someone else.  I know you talk to girls on the internet, and say the SAME exact things to them, that you said to me.  How do I know this?  Because I am NOT stupid like you might think I am.  Yes, I have created fake dating profiles.  Yes, I have used my co-workers' phones to text you from.  And yes, you have already previously made plans with me, but set up dates with these "fake" girls, and cancelled on me and also have started fights with me so I didn't come around, and of course, the fights were always my fault.

That's what I hate the most, is that everything, every argument, fight, disagreement, no contact etc, is ALWAYS my fault!  It may have started out with you hurting me, you doing something, but because of the way I react to the situation, by either going off on you or straight up ignoring you, I am in the wrong.  It's MY attitude that caused the problem.  Can you not take at least partial blame for the situation?  I am not saying I am perfect, but guess what, neither are you!  You may be so into yourself that you think you are, but honey let me tell you, there are taller, more attractive, more funny, more sympathetic men out there.  Bottom line, there is someone out there that is better than you. 

Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you, but I am not happy with how things were.  I do not feel like you gave me what I needed or cared enough to know or learn what I needed.  If you ever care to learn or know, let me know.  Until then, no we can't be friends!

~Brittany~

Here is some lyrics from a song that has really helped me through this:
       
        Someone Like You
        by Adele

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Day 12-How and why you got started blogging

I have a friend, that back in May of this year moved from New Mexico, all the way to Japan. She had gotten her Master's Degree in social work, and couldn't find a job to save her life, or at least one that paid decent, used her education, and was close to home. For a while, she was driving an hour and a half each way to a small town to do social work/therapy at the hospital there, but not only was it such a small town that it was a "clicky" job, but the money just didn't pay for what she was spending in gas, and car repairs. So she decided to make a change and move to Japan to teach English for a year. In her journey of going there, she started a blog. Something to keep everyone updated on how she was, how we could keep in contact with her, etc. I really liked that idea of how I was always in the know of what she was up to besides the normal facebook.

So when I started the weight loss process and joined weight watchers, I started updating all my friends on facebook of my progress and weekly reports and tagged places at the gym. It worked. But everyone always had questions. How are you doing it, what are you eating, what kind of excercise are you doing, etc. Not that I minded answering the questions, but if someone asked the same question in a previous post I made, I felt like why am I waisting my time each week to continue to post the same things. (Yes, I am one of those people at work that if you ask me how to do something, I have no problem showing you how or telling you how to do it the first time, the second time I am a little irritated and then the third down right P.O.'d, because again, why am I waisting my time showing you if you can't either write the steps down, or remember them in the first place. Then I just end up getting in trouble because "I have no patience"....) So I decided to start a blog.

At first I didn't have WW online, so I started it on blogspot.com. I really like it a lot better there because you are given free reign and not limited to the number of characters, but I also like WW cause I can share with all of you! So I update both. My friends from FB all view on blogspot, and my WW community views here. It has really helped me sometimes with my emotions. Wether it be happy, sad, depressed, frustrated, elated, etc. I know I can always post something and get instant feedback. It's nice.

I hope everyone had a good and sucessful weekend. Heres to hoping I did. I weigh in tomorrow. If I lost, I am treating myself to Taco Bell. It's my favorite. I used to work there and I still love it. There isn't anything I don't like. That's one thing I miss, is being able to pig out there. But with little treats like that, it's better than nothing right?

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends.

This picture is of my friends Donna, Jason, Reshana and me before I left to move to El Paso from Colorado. It was my going away present at this restaurant called On The Border, and they gave me a bag for my gift that had Mexican flags and other Mexican items on it...yeah they wern't kidding. It's like an American Mexico living here. These folks were my rocks in Colorado. Donna was my manager and my biggest supporter and best mentor I ever had. Jason was my friend, and was always there to listen. And Reshana, she was my heart. She helped me so much become the person I am today. She loved me for me and helped me be a better me. I don't know where I would be without these folks. I got to see them all recently when I went back to Colorado for Thanksgiving. Jason and I hung out a few times, and Donna and Reshana went to lunch with me once. It was very nice seeing them and seeing where they have gone with their lives recently. I miss them a lot.

Day 10- Songs you listen to when your happy, sad, bored, hyper, mad.

My Ipod is an eclectic compelation of everything under the sun. Yes I am white, so my music taste really does not go with the color of my skin. Haha. Sometimes on the way to work I like to listen to crazy hard core bumping hip hop, something that I would be at the club shaking my booty to or something that you would hear coming from a gansta's tricked out Cadi on 24's with 15's in the trunk. My 16 year old cousin, who is like my little sister, calls me her gangsta cousin...yeah, not proud of it, but I like my hip hop lol.

Something else that I really like to listen on the way to work is Vanilla Ice, Ice Ice Baby. Don't hate on me. I know every word. I can spit that rhyme faster and harder than Vanilla Ice can. I am gangsta like that. As gangsta as spitting a white man's rap. LOL. Yeah.

I also really like Glee's cover of Journey's Don't Stop Beleiving. I don't know why, but for some reason, no matter what mood I am in, once I hear that song, it instantly puts me in a good mood. I also like, and just so coincidentally they are right next to each other on my MP3 player hooked up in my car is this song called Ice Cream Paint Job. Don't know who it's by, but it's gangsta and has this really amazing beat to it.

I have also been really digging lately Beyonce's new song called Party, and J. Cole's Work Out, they both have really nice beats. Stereo Hearts, Moves Like Jagger, anything by LMFAO, Pumped Up Kicks, Jay-Z/Kanye N's in Paris, and Lilly Allen and T-Pain 5 in the morning are all songs I have recently downloaded. But my absolute fav right now is Adele. I love her new album. I am hoping for it for Christmas...hint hint.. :)!!!

Workouts depend...no slow music, has to have a good beat and get me going and motivated. Sometimes depending on my day at work, I like to listen to rock...AC/DC, Linkin Park, Weezer, etc. Also, I do have some country. I like old school like George Straight and Reba McIntire.

Yeah, pretty eclectic.

Day 9- Somthing you're proud of in the past few days.

Well as you know from my last blog, I am not proud of the fact that I gained this week, but I am proud of how I reacted to a certain situation. Normally, when it comes to guys, I don't tend to speak up about my feelings, and how I feel they treat me, right or wrong. As spoken about before, I know this is a lack of self confidence, but one day, I want to go on a date with a guy, or start dating a guy, and the first time they mess up, kick them straight to the curb. Not worry that if I get rid of him, there won't be another one down the line. Don't get me wrong, I am ok by myself. Yes, I get lonely, but because I am an only child, I am very used to being by myself, and doing things by myself. That is my goal!

But, back to the situation I am proud of the way I handled. So my ex, he has been contacting me. We got into a huge fight this past weekend, and finally on Tuesday I stood up to him. Told him exactly how I felt. I told him that I wasn't happy with the way he treated me, and that I felt like he didn't give me what I needed. He told me he wanted to be friends, but I told him I don't think that would be possible. It's just better for a clean break, and let it go. He got mad at me and called me a smart a** because I had quick responses and said what I truly felt during our conversation. I told him that I wasn't a smart a**, but I was just actually speaking up for myself, rather than letting him control the conversation and walk all over me, which was normal for our talks and/or fights. I am good about speaking up for myself, but when we would fight, especially in person, he would always twist my words, twist the conversation, and making it always my fault and also speak over me so I couldn't really ever get my point across of why I was mad in the first place.

I am excited for this weekend, to rest. I don't know if I am more excited to sleep in, watch tv or just veg, but I am EXCITED!!! I am planning on going to the gym tonight, and then taking Saturday off, and then going on Sunday. But I am taking it easy this week. Not over doing it, and work up to those hard work out. Hopefully I will see the difference at weigh in next week. Saturday I will be cooking dinner for my friend and weight watchers buddie and her husband. I am going to make spaghetti squash spaghetti. Then Sunday, the Denver Broncos play (hopefully winning so they can make it to the playoffs), and I am going to watch the game and go out for dinner with my friend Josh and his wife who also moved here from Colorado. We have a tradition of always going to Rudy's bbq, but normally I pig out, this time I will be good about it.

Well until next time...

Day 8- Short term goals for this month and why

Well, before weigh in this week, my short term goals would have been to finally be UNDER 300lbs by New Years. My weight was 309.4lbs, so I only needed to lose 10.4lbs by December 31, 2011. This would have been the first time I was under 300lbs since before 2003, because that had been the first time I had weighed myself probably since junior high when you were required to weigh in. So who knows really when I hit that 300 mark, but all I know is it was a long time ago, so this was going to be a HUGE acheivement for me!

So because my goal was to lose 10.4lbs in 5 weeks, we are talking a little over 2lbs each week. To get there, it would require some discipline on my part. Now don't get me wrong, on a normal weekly basis since joining WW, I am losing about 2.5lbs on average each week, so this was a very reachable goal. But because it was sooooo important, I wanted to make sure I actually did it. What did this mean? Tracking, every day, watching my food intake a little closer, and portion size a little more than usual. This also meant more gym time. I normally work out 5-6 a week, max 30 minutes each time cardio. MAX 30 minutes. Why? Because I know myself, if I do more, I will either get burned out, or get to the point of not liking it, and then make excuses of not wanting to go. And then falling off plan. This is me, I know myself. But I had a goal, and I wanted to meet it.

So I started going to the gym with a friend and also fellow WW goer. She has lost a ton more weight than I have, and also started at a smaller size than I did, so she is, to me, completely fit. She will disagree, but I think if I had her current body, that would be my "happy" place. She kicked my butt in the gym. Literally. Icy Hot and I got really close this past week. Tylenol...check! My body hurt so much from how hard I was working out that I debated and debated over and over on when I actually needed to go pee, because that involved me getting up and then sitting back down. (PS...I wish I was a dude, would have been much easier). So you get the point, I worked out hard.

We get to the WW meeting on Tuesday night (thinking and hoping to lose in the 3lb range), and weigh in, we have a tradition of not opening until after both have been weighed, and so I open, gasp because I see 2.8lbs (I thought close enough)....and then see the worst sign I have ever seen in my life. The + sign. What?!?!?!? How could I gain. I worked my A** off. I worked SOOOO hard and I gained? Seriously?!?!?! I was devastated. I just cried. My friend tried her best to comfort me. I tried my best during the meeting not to continue to cry, but I was so mad. I was angry. I tried to look away when our leader would talk and I was crying. I tried to be the first out of the meeting, but the leader ran after me, asking if I was ok, and if I needed to talk, I was to upset. My friend came over that night and measured me, saying that I probably gained muscle, but lost inches. I did, since last month I lost 7 3/4 inches. I was still so mad, angry, disappointed. Every horrible feeling you could feel. I have gained once before but I expected it, I knew I did bad, but this time I did everything right, that was what was so hurtful.

So now my goal is to lose the 2.8lbs that I gained, and try my hardest to lose the 10.4lbs, but if I don't, then I continue on until I reach it. I was given a few quotes to help me through this.

A setback is just an opportunity for a comeback!
AND
You win some, you lose some, but I will be **** if I let this get me down. This is nothing but motivation!

So wish me luck, last night I took it easy at the gym, tonight I have kickboxing, and then the rest of the week/weekend take it easy, but still work out and still eat right.

Here I go!!!

Day 7- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

This is a picture of me, my uncle and my mom. These are the people who have had the biggest impact on me. Other than that, my mentor Donna, and former boss, Julia. They are my biggest supporters.

Day 6- Your favorite Superhero and why

My mom....she has done such an amazing job with what she was given in life and just made an amazing example of the type of person I want to be.

Day 5- A picture of somewhere you've been.

Las Vegas...oh how I love that place! I have been three times and hope to go back soon, as the skinny Brittany haha. But I want to go with a group of girls and just paint the town red.

Day 4- A habit you wish you didn't have.

Smoking...I know, I know, it's a horrible habbit, but I figure I will take one thing at a time, and work on my weight loss first then quit smoking later. I started when I was in college as a way at work to get a break. Now, I am constantly thinking about it. It's really smelly, and bad. I get embarrassed by it sometimes. My whole family smokes, so that doesn't make it any easier.

Day 3- A picture of you and your friends.

For some reason it won't let me upload several pictures, because I have several friends, but here is one of my favorite pictures because it brings back good times. This is me, my friend Jason and friend Christye. We were like the three musketeers when I lived in Colorado. But now we just keep in touch when we can. It's sad when things aren't always the same. I have many other friends, but can't upload pictures of them :(

Day 2-The meaning of the name of your blog

What is the meaning behind the name of my blog?  Well it's pretty self explanatory.  It's the ups and downs of a "BIG" girl in losing weight and dating.  I think anybody with weight issues can attest to the fact that your self confidence isn't always at the highest marks when you are "BIG" and trying to date.  I have put up with a lot of bulls*** from guys and the dating world in general because of my weight.  A lot of my problem is that because of my weight if any guy shows me attention, I don't want to do anything to lose that guy because I am afraid there might not be another out there that would like me, for me.  I know that's a self confidence issue.  I am sure with losing weight that will help.  I have always wanted to be that girl that can say forget you, I don't need your bulls***, I am out.  But I have never been able to do that.  Now, outside of the whole guys/dating scene, I am the most confident person in the world.  I am outspoken, the life of the party, etc.  I have no problem telling people how I really feel.  Good or Bad.  That's a good personality trait as well as bad sometimes. 

Well on a good note, I got all my Christmas shopping done yesterday, online.  So I should be getting all the packages in soon.  That's exciting, I don't have to fight any of the crowds in the stores.  Plus this year is the first year my mom has ever given me a list of the stuff she wanted, so I was able to just go off that, and that was super nice.  Well it's pretty busy at work today, so I must go...talk to you tomorrow!

Daily Blog Challenge Stolen from Chante, Day 1

Day 1- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 2- The meaning behind of your blog name
Day 3- A picture of you and your friends.
Day 4- A habit you wish you didn't have.
Day 5- A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 6- Your favorite Superhero and why.
Day 7- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 8- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 9- Somthing you're proud of in the past few days.
Day 10- Songs you listen to when your happy, sad, bored, hyper, mad.
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends.
Day 12- How you found out about blogs and why you made one.
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day14- A picture of you and your family.
Day 15- Put your ipod on shuffle; first 10 songs that play.
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for a day and why.
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them?
Day 20- Someone you see yourself being happy with in the future.
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else?
Day 23- Something you crave a lot.
Day 24- A letter to your parents.
Day 25- What I would find in your purse.
Day 26- What you think about your friends.
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now. Have you changed since then?
Day 29- In the past month what have you learned?
DAY 30- Who are you?

Recent Picture of Myself: (11-29-11)

15 facts about myself...hmmm...

1.  I am super sore today, I went to kickboxing last night
2. I have OCD....my feet and hands have to be clean all the time
3.  I use Vick's Vapor rub every day, I put it on my lips and nose at night so my lips are nice and soft and I can breath with allergies while sleeping
4.  I am a true romantic at heart, I love the small things
5.  I hate wearing my name tag at work because I hate people who don't know me, knowing my name
6.  I constantly fight with my boss about wearing my name tag.  One day it will be insubordination...ahhh who cares
7.  I like to make others laugh, sometimes even at my own expense
8.  I love to be at the center of attention
9.  I HATE WHISTLING!!!!
10.  I get really annoyed by people who don't have common sense, such as this girl that is trying to fax somethng outside my office that it keeps telling her the number isn't good, but she continues to try, using the same number.  Absolutely no common sense to stop or try another number...geez
11.  I have no full blooded brothers or sisters, I have a half sister, and a step brother who are much older than I am
12.  Although the only child, I am not spoiled, I work hard for everything I have, unless it's Christmas or my Birthday, then I get what I want :)
13.  I am now able to use my WII Fit but can't figure out how to set it up
14.  I am a diehard Denver Broncos football fan.
15.  I HATE HATE HATE people touching my elbows, me touching someone elses elbows, when someone brushes up against me with their elbows, anything elbow related.  It's gross.  Most people's elbows are super ashy and dry and it's just so disgusting.  I don't mind when they have something over their elbows such as sweater or jacket, but bare elbows, no thanks.

On a good note, I lost 4.6lbs for Thanksgiving.  Bringing me to 309.4.  I only need to lose 10.4lbs to get under 299 which is my next big goal to meet.  I want to hit that before Jan. 1, 2012.  Guess who messaged me recently on POF?  Crazy legs...yup...he is crazy if he thinks I am going to write him back, sucka! 

Crazy Legs...

Like I have said before, I am originally from New Mexico, born and raised.  After college, I moved to Colorado where I lived for five years.  A few months before I moved to El Paso, my company bought out another credit union here and asked for volunteers to move.  El Paso is only an hour and a half from my mom who still lives in NM.  I am a true mommas girl, it was just her and I growing up, so we always fought like sisters and best friends, but we were really mother and daughter, sometimes that line was smudged and crossed a lot.  I wanted to be closer to my family.  Other than my job in CO, I didn't have anything holding me back there.  I had friends, whom I miss everyday and I also had just met this guy, we will call Webster (cause he looked like a tall version of Webster from TV).  He wasn't looking to rush into anything serious, in fact it took us three months from the time we met online to actually meet in person, which was quite frustrating.  So I didn't have anything holding me back. 

Initially I came out here to TX for a month to see if I liked it.  I didn't.  I hated it.  But I loved being closer to my mom.  Then, after the job offer, they sent me out here again for another six weeks (mind you, living in a hotel and eating fast food and out at restaurants each day) to find a place to live, get acquainted with the city and my staff, etc.  A few weeks before the six week trip, I decided what the heck, I am going to give dating in El Paso a shot, what do I have to lose.  I didn't know anyone so if anything, I would at least be able to meet some new people who can get me acquainted with the city.

Let me lay something out on the table first and foremost.  I date primarily ONLY black guys.  There are a few reasons for that, one being that black guys tend to like bigger girls, two being that I tend to be attracted to black guys, and three being I am not attracted to white guys, for the most part.  Now, when I say only black guys, no white guys, it's not always black and white only.  There is grey area there.  I have dated a few Spanish guys before, one of which was one of my longest relationships, which we remain friends to this day.  The other being a dude that we dated and knew we weren't right for each other, and we became best friends since I was 16/17 yrs old.  And there are also the mixed guys, my first serious boyfriend was half black half Mexican, I have dated half black half white, etc.  I have been on a few (maybe 2) first dates with white guys.  Never a second date.  EVER.  One was while I was in high school, sorry mom for just now telling you this, and I met him online.  He was in the air force, and he met me after I got off work and we went to the movies.  We walk up to get tickets and he goes "One ticket for blah blah blah movie"....I was thinking to myself, SERIOUSLY?!?! one ticket?  I was in high school, and yes I worked however that money went to gas, lunches, insurance etc.  I didn't have any money, especially because I was going on a date and expected he would pay. I pretended to have my cell phone ring, and acted like it was my mom that something had happened and I needed to go home immediately.  Never talked to him again.  The other was this guy I met in CO, on the Internet of course, and he seemed great.  We actually met, and he was such a jerk, very prejudice against "different people", meaning color, size, disability etc.  He was just such a jerk. 

So I created a profile on plentyoffish.com.  Its a free dating website and a lot of people are on it.  Within a few days, I already had a few people contacting me.  One of which was crazy legs.  I will get to why I call him crazy legs later.  Crazy legs was white, should have given me an idea right then and there.  But he was soooo nice.  We talked for the few weeks before I flew back down to El Paso, and honestly, he seemed "perfect".  No such thing I know now.  We had plans to meet up later in the evening after my mom picked me up from the airport and I got settled into my hotel and dinner and what not.  He kept blowing my phone up all night asking when a good time was going to be to meet.  It was strange, but whatever.  Because I was in town on business, I didn't have my car, and was having to share a company vehicle with two other people that were in town for business as well.  I didn't want to hog the car all night on my very first night in town, so I had asked him to come to my hotel to pick me up.  My mom didn't like the idea of me not knowing the guy and not having a vehicle to excape in, so she had asked me for his cell number just in case she needed to give it to the police later when I went missing.  I didn't think anything of it.  She had said that she would call me to check up on me because you really never know with these things how it could go. 

He pulled up, in a beat up Chevy Cavalier.  It was dirty and icky.  He didn't get out, I just opened the passenger side door and as all the trash fell out, I hoped in.  It was gross.  We drove just a few minutes down the street to Applebees to get a drink.  It was already around 8:30/9 at night and I had been flying all day and had to work the next day, so I wasn't looking for it to last to long.  In the car, he was sitting to the left of me and I was sitting to the right of him, and everything seemed pretty normal.  We get to Applebees and park, and I get out, trying not to trip over the trash as I got out.  We started walking to the door.  At first, I thought he had tripped over trash when he got out of his car, because he stumbled a bit as he was getting out and started walking, so I didn't think anything of it.  I continued to walk towards the door, and looked back to see where he was and he....wait for it....literally had crazy legs.  It's hard to explain.  He was walking like he should have been using a cane or crutches.  I had absolutely no idea that he had a disability.

Don't get me wrong, having a disability is not a bad thing.  Everyone has their faults, wether it be crazy legs or weight issues.  But for him to not even tell me about it, for him to just exclude that part hoping I wouldn't notice I think was completely wrong.  So we walk into Applesbees and go straight to the bar.  I could already tell the date wasn't going to go well, so when they asked what i wanted I ordered the small beer and he ordered the large.  Now at this point, he is not sitting to the right of me and I am sitting to the left of him.  He smiled.  OMG...he totally had meth teeth.  You have all seen the billboards of...this is what you could look like if you do meth...yeah he totally looked like that.  I was so grossed out.  I just wanted to get up and leave.  But I kept telling myself, he is a really nice guy, so what he has a disability, he is a really nice guy, give him a chance.  I know for someone like me to judge someone based on their looks is wrong because that is how I have been judged my whole life, however, I do still have standards.  In fact, not everyone in this world likes big girls, so I get discriminated against just by that alone.

It was very loud in the restaurant, I didn't hear my phone going off, it was in my purse.  I didn't even think to take it out to listen for it.  Well we finally left, after him trying several attempts at trying to kiss me with his meth teeth, which was NOT happening.  He takes me back to the hotel, and he is pulling up all slow and is like so should I park, and I was like no, you can drop me off at the front, I am tired I am going to bed.  He was crushed.  I get up to my room, heartbroken because the date and dude were such a bust.  I was disappointed, hoping that's not how the whole city of El Paso was going to be.  I took my phone out and saw that my mom had called several times.  I called her back, told her about the date, and she and I just laughed.  Next I get a phone call from crazy legs. 

Now, let me give you a little back story on my mom's cell phone.  It used to be my cell phone.  It's one of those prepaid phones, that you buy the minutes as you go, which works for my mom because one, she only turns it on if she is going out of town, and two, she never has it on.  So the phone, it still has my voicemail greeting on it...Hey this is Brittany leave me a message and I will get back to you. 

So crazy legs calls me and asks why and how I called him from a NM phone number (my cell phone has a CO area code).  I was like oh that was probably my mom.  He flipped out.  Why did you give your mom my number, I explained because I didn't know if he was going to be psycho.  That sent him on even more of a rage.  He hung up on me.  I called my mom and we laughed so hard.  He called back later on saying it was rude for my mom to have called, it was rude for me to have given her his cell phone number, it violated his privacy, etc.  I was like you gotta be joking me right.  He told me that if I apologized to him and begged for his forgiveness for giving his phone number out, that he would consider going out with me again.  You have got to be kidding me....there is no way in heck I ever wanted to go out with this dude again, and on top to apologize and beg for his forgiveness, ummm no.  After I told him I wasn't going to apologize to him, he goes well maybe we can give this another shot.  I said no, I really don't like all the negativity in my life, I am trying to start brand new and for him to react and act the way he was, I just didn't need all that negativity.  Then....he dropped the bomb.  He said and I quote "You do need some negativity, negative 100lbs."...I was like oh no he didn't...I went all Shaneqwa on him.  I told him, you know I wasn't going to bring it up, but because you want to get dirty like that, why don't you tell people the next time that you have a disability instead of just springing the whole crazy legs situation at them.  And you might want to go to the dentist and get your meth teeth checked out, black does not look good on white in your situation, and then I hung up.

A few days later he called and of course I didn't answer and left this hearfelt apology on my voicemail in which I just erased.  About a month later, I was online looking at the different personals ads of people in El Paso and came across his, and so I read it.  He had updated it to include the fact that he has MS (which I never knew of and would have been completely supportive of had I gotten a heads up), and that he has had several surgeries throughout his lifetime due to other problems which causes him to walk differently.  He also said that he had some problems when he was younger and now more mature to grow out of, but some of his body still shows, and I am guessing this is him referring to the fact that he had meth teeth.  But whatever.

So yeah, that's the story of crazy legs.  My friends and family still laugh about it to this day.  That was almost a year and a half ago.  I have had comparable stories to that, in fact one back in July that I call "banjo"...but that's a whole other post. 

Till next time....

2.4lbs Lighter

I weighed in last night and lost 2.4lbs.  YAY!!!!  I am now at 318.6lbs.  My next goal is 299, so I can finally be under the 300 mark! 

Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and I am going out of town to Colorado to visit family.  I will be staying with my aunt is who your traditional old fashioned cook who puts BUTTER in everything!  I am prepared though, which I am happy to report.  I contacted a gym and asked how much it would cost to get a week membership while I was there and they said they would give it to me for $20.00, which isn't bad.  Plus, I was looking at their class schedules and they have water aerobics, my absolute favorite workout, three days while I am there.  So excited!  Plus I have already picked a weight watchers meeting location and time that will work for me while on vacation, so I am set for that too.  I have also decided that I am not going to limit myself on any of the great food on Thanksgiving, but rather limit the portions.  Fill up on all the veggies, and keep it to small portions of the candied yams, green been casserole, mashed potatoes, etc.  There is also this farmers market that opened by my old apartment in Colorado, so I already told my mom that when we get into town, before we do anything, we are stopping there so I can pick up my essentials for breakfast, lunch, and dinner so that whatever is cooked, I can still eat, just in smaller portions and be able to still stay on plan! 

Some of my favorite things to eat normally are yogurt and a peice of fruit for breakfast along with a cup of orange juice to get my blood sugar up, I also like the strawberry cream cheese toaster strudel or a bowl of cheerios with two packets of stevia.  If I eat the toaster strudel, it's 5 points for each one, so I eat 2 and that's 10 points, not to bad.  For lunch, I like to stick to the Progresso Light Soups or a Smart One meal with an extra something like a peice of cheese or a side salad, or even a peice of fruit or some chopped veggies.  For dinner, I can pretty much go with just about anything, this is when I try to save most of my points for because I know I am going to be hungry after work and the gym.  Because I don't get out of the gym until late.  I keep frozen been and cheese burritos constantly on hand in my freezer, 4 points each, with salsa which is free.  Sometimes, especially on Mondays, I will go to McDonalds, and before I would get the whole meal, but now I just get a 10 peice chicken nugget (14pts) and 2 bbq sauces, (1pt each) and an unsweetened iced tea.  Twice last week I did the canned goods clean out of my pantry, I had beets, green beans with A1 sauce, yum, carrots, some soup etc.  It's pretty good if prepared properly lol. 

Well I am off to go to lunch, to enjoy the pot luck...lol.  Wish me luck to keep my mouth shut. 

Until next time...

Work and Pot Lucks...it's that time of the year!

***Names have been changed to protect my job***

Ok…. so I am a bit frustrated….with me being on Weight Watchers, by no means do I expect everyone or anyone for that matter around me to participate or even not eat what they would normally eat.  In fact I encourage them to eat normally due to the fact that I can see what it looks like or even possibly take a small bite to fill my craving.  But, I came in to work yesterday at 10:45am which is later than normal and walk in and employee #1 bombards me at the teller line asking if I wanted to participate in the potluck they are having on Thursday.  Boss #1 was standing right there, and said we haven’t had a pot luck in a while and so to celebrate having Friday off for Veterans day, we were going to have a pot luck on Thursday.  I asked what we were having and she said salads, cold salads.  I said sure, why not, already thinking of what kind of salad I could bring.  Employee #1 goes well good your in charge of bringing the chips and sprite.  I was like oh I would prefer to bring a salad, because I don’t eat chips or drink sprite.  She goes well everyone already signed up for all the salads, and I was like well what is everyone bringing, here is the list she gives me:

·        Spinach Dip                                      Boss #1

·        Chips and Sprite                               Brittany

·        Fruit Salad                                        Employee #2

·        Caesar Salad                                     Employee #3

·        Avocado Salad                                  Employee #4    

·        Toss Salad                                         Employee #5

·        Pasta Salad                                       Boss #2

·        Chicken Salad                                   Employee #1

·        Potato Salad                                      Security Guard

·        Tostadas and wheat bread               Employee #6

I LOVE Employee #5's tossed salad or because these effers can’t speak proper English, toss salad…so I thought if anything I can have some of her salad, because nothing else on the list is healthy or anything I would be able to eat, and then I could eat the fruit salad too.  Ok…good I have a meal, so I am like fine, whatever, I will bring the chips and sprite. 

So this morning in our daily huddle, they went over what everyone was bringing etc, and just reminding everyone to bring their stuff tomorrow.  I asked why employee #6 needed to bring wheat bread if we were having salads, and she agreed not understanding why she needed to bring bread but I guess with employee #1's chicken salad, to make a sandwich, again not something I can eat.  So Boss #1 suggested she bring dessert.  Employee #2 chimed in saying well I am bringing fruit salad because everyone here is on a diet, (we have three pregnant girls and three girls on diets).  We have 11 employees, one male.  So four girls out of the 10 aren’t watching what they eat.  So a majority of the girls are watching what they eat.  

Employee #2 then proceeded to tell us what she was putting in the fruit salad, cool whip, coconut, marshmallows, pecans, canned fruit etc.  I chimed in asking if she had bought the stuff for it yet and she said no, and I asked, out of all those ingredients she is using, if she could please buy fat free cool whip.  She looked at me and goes well I am making this for everyone not just you, Employee #5 chimed in saying yeah, this is for everyone and plus she needs to buy whatever is cheaper and then Employee #1 says yeah don’t be picky, this is for everyone. 

I was sooooo mad.  Why am I buying Sprite….because they mentioned yesterday that the girls who are pregnant can’t drink anything with caffeine, there are only three pregnant girls out of 11 employees, why do I have to cater to them when they can’t help me out by buying fat free cool whip?  I didn't even go to the degree to ask for no coconut or sugar free canned fruit, or even fresh fruit.  So I have to buy Sprite to cater to them but they seriously can’t buy fat free cool whip? Seriously?!?!  I almost feel like saying forget it I am not going to participate, but then I don’t want to look like the jerk because two wrongs don’t make a right.  So I think I am deciding to buy Diet Sprite, or possibly even Diet Cranberry Sierra Mist, which is one of my favorites.  And some of the new fat free chips, or even the baked chips, whichever is lower in points, just to prove a point. 

The thing that also gets me, is every single one of these girls has said at one time or another that they are dieting or doing something to lose weight, and at those times, we have accommodated things for them.  And trust me, there is only ONE skinny girl here that could stand to eat a couple cheeseburgers and not diet or not have fat free cool whip.  Even the sugar free cool whip is better, it just has splenda instead of sugar...tastes just the same.  I mean seriously, it's not even the issue of the cool whip, it's the issue of me having to conform for them and them not even willing to go an extra step for me. 

But whatever, I am still mad, even two hours after the incident I think because I sit here and write this blog, it makes me more mad thinking about it.

Last week at weigh in, I gained.  1.2lbs!!!  I honestly expected it.  The week prior was not a good week for me eating wise.  Actually it was primarily the weekend that was bad, but still with everything I ate I am surprised I didn't gain more.  On Friday I had pepperoni stuffed crust pizza (two slices), and three cocktails with gin and seltzer water and sweet and sour.  Saturday morning I had left over pizza (1 1/2 slices) and some pomegranate juice.  For lunch I had a hamburger, no cheese, from the Hi-D-Ho in Alamogordo.  For anybody that knows what that is, knows those are some ginormous burgers.  Then I went to the lodge in Cloudcroft, NM and had half a bottle of champagne, for dinner had a salad with ranch, rack of lamb, twice baked potatoes, and asparagus.  I also, even though I know I shouldn't have, ordered a piece of tiramisu cheesecake.  The next morning at breakfast at the Lodge, I had whole wheat pancakes with sugar free syrup, and like 8 cups of coffee with splenda and creamer. 

I did horribly, so when I weighed in I wasn't surprised.  It was my first gain since joining, which I guess is good, but not something I wanted to happen.  My ex-boyfriend that i have told you all about, Carson, was the one I spent that weekend with in Cloudcroft.  It was by no means his fault that I ate horribly, I chose it.  In fact, he very much supports my weight loss efforts.  But it was a special weekend, 1.  we have never, ever, spent the whole weekend together, and 2. it was his birthday.  We started talking again and decided to work things out.  We talked about moving in, getting married, etc.  I think at that time, we were a long way away from it, however it was a good outlook for our future.  Since then, as I am sure you can guess, we have broken up again lol. 

I just need to move on from him, and unfortunately with us still communicating and keeping in contact, it's hard to do so.  He has been out in the field, and so he was scheduled to come home last Friday, and texted me the night before asking if he could have some "me time" on Friday.  I was like you seriously need "me time"? What would happen if I was living with you?  Would you kick me out for the day cause you need "me time"?  Plus after us decided to get back together, I had asked him several times and told him several times to delete his personals profile, because it really bothered me.  With him not doing it, it made me think is he talking to other people, and then every time he logged in or every day he kept it open it was like he was saying a big I don't care about you to my feelings after telling him over and over how it bothered me.  Ayyy Yiii Yiii...

Today I am going to my weight watchers meeting, I think I did pretty well this week so hopefully I lost.  Afterwards, I found a deal on Groupon for 10 one hour kickboxing classes for $25.00 and my friend Chante from weight watchers and I bought them so we are going to get signed up for them and then go back to her house to make some turkey burgers !!!  Before we go to her house we are going to stop at the store so I can buy my chips and Sprite for tomorrow's pot luck, which by the way, they just sent another flipping email reminder out about....UGHHH!!!! 

Well tomorrow I will post another blog letting you know how I did this week along with some other news I have in regards to Thanksgiving! 

Until next time....

Here comes the Wii.....

So last week I went to my weight watchers meeting and although I didn't gain any weight, I also didn't lose weight.  I know what the problem is, I wasn't paying attention to closely with my points as I would normally.  I was a little ambivelant because I knew I hadn't done my part, but also had hoped for a small miracle....yeah, that so didn't happen.

This week I went to my meeting, and I was super excited.  One of the girls that I have become really close with at my weight watcher's meeting had texted me earlier in the week wanting to see if after the meeting I wanted to go out to dinner with her.  Her husband is in the military and is out to the field for two weeks.  My ex-boyfriend Carson is also in the military and is also in the field for two weeks, so I completely understood where she was coming from.  So I was really looking forward to going out to dinner with her. 

On Tuesday, I went to the doctor to get some prescription refills, you know the usual, birth control etc.  She took my blood pressure and it was 150/90...super high.  It has been pretty high over the past year, so she put me on blood pressure medicine.  OMG...that stuff makes me so loopy.  It almost gives me that feeling you get right before your about to have a panick attack...like super anxiety.  I am hoping it is just cause I am adjusting to the medicine, but I went and worked out yesterday after I got off work before my meeting and I felt so weird.  I wasn't hungry, but I was getting these major hunger-like pains in my stomach and I was a little disorientated.  Let's hope this is just me getting used to the meds, and not something else.

At my meeting I went up to get weighed...the leader of my meeting looked at me...I was nervous, I didn't want another week of no loss or even a gain, and then she announced, OMG you did amazing this week!  I was like REALLY?!?!?!....she said I got two stars this week, I hit my 25lb mark and my 30lb mark for weight loss.  I had lost 8.6lbs this week.  I went and sat back down and my friend, she was like oh hell no, go get back on the scale I want a re-count lol.  For the whole group, we lost 19.2lbs last night.  Everyone said that most of that was me, lol. 

I am now at 326.4lbs...that means I can start my Wii fit now!!!!  I am so excited for that.  I am going on vacation tomorrow and super excited.  I am just going to Alamogordo, but I will be there for five days, so I am going to go to one of the gyms and see if i can purchase like a week pass or something that I can use while there.  I hate to miss my workouts.  I lost 8.6lbs because I pushed myself and worked out 5 times last week with a hard workout right before my meeting. 

Till next time...

Working Out....

Going into writing this blog, I promised myself I would be completely honest about everything, hense why I posted my actual weight. I may change names to protect the innocent/guilty, but I promise to be completely and uterly honest. I give you my word!

So it's Friday night, 12:10am to be exact, so Saturday and you would think I should be out on a date...but nope...I am here, at my mom's house in Alamogordo, NM writing this blog.  Fun, I know.  My dating life is kind of non-existant right now.  Like I said in my last blog, I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months last weekend.  I have a group of friends from Colorado that we called ourselves the three musketeers.  We were all single, and we all went through the dating process together.  Well because a lot of people in this world like to use the same name, we would make up names for the people we were dating.  So we will, from this point forward, call this guy Carson.  Carson and I had a lot of problems from the very beginning.  But it always seemed like we would work things out.  Well, we broke up, mutually, I say more I broke up with him, but he really said the final "I don't want this anymore" words.  Classic.  I was fine with it, until he started texting me again.  Telling me he misses me, etc.  Ughh...so frustrating.  How am I supposed to get over him when he keeps texting me?

Well on to the topic of this entry, working out.  Who loves working out?  If anyone says they do, they are lying.  Before I joined weight watchers, I knew I wanted to start losing weight, so I started working out.  I have a pool at my apartment, and I love swimming so I would go there about 2-3 times a week and swim some laps and do what I like to call "Brittany Water Aerobics"...haha.  It was great.  Then when I joined WW...I decided I better start doing something else.  So my job pays for it's employees to have a gym membership, but the gym we belong to really is horrible.  You walk in, and it's mostly young, skinny people who seriously look at me like why even try.   It's frustrating.  And embarrassing.  So I am signed up to receive deals/coupons from groupon.com...love it, if you haven't signed up, please do so now, it's free to sign up and you get some really great deals from it, and they sent me an email offering a no start up fee and only a $20.00 monthly membership to the YMCA.  I knew at the very least I could go to their water aerobics classes and learn something new for a month.

I went and signed up for the Y, and guess what, no water aerobics classes.  Boo!  But they do have something much better, water zumba!  I thought to myself, what the heck, if anything, I can just start wailing around in the water and act like I am drowning to get out of the class early if I didn't like it.   It's only offered on Fridays at 5pm or Sundays at 1pm.  Well Friday's are out cause I work, but I was so on for the Sunday class.  I went, and had the most amazing teacher who went slow and taught me at my pace, and it was the best experience ever.  I was the only person in the class, so that helped.  But it was a great workout.  I have gone a few more times and really enjoy it.

I then went on vacation, and came to my mom's house.  The nice thing is that she has one of those stationary bikes, that I use while I am here.  It's nice that I don't even have to leave.  Plus, I can put the tv channel on anything.

I also started going to use the regular gym facilities at the Y.  Now, I have never been the type of person that after I get off work to want to do ANYTHING!!!  Normally I just want to go home, change in to my pajamas, and watch tv, take a nap, eat and then go to bed.  But I pushed myself to go home, and change (I honestly hate the fact of taking my clothes and either changing at work before I leave or changing at the gym.  I have OCD, and the germs really bother me, and I like to be comfortable when I change) and then head to the gym.  It helps that the Y is right down the street from my apartment.  Within 5 minutes.  I have one rule about using the regular gym, I will only work out for 30 minutes.  That's it.  I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but seriously, if I try more, I will kill myself and get burnt out.

At first I started off doing just the treadmill.  For 30 minutes, that is a lot.  Then I did 15 minutes treadmill, 15 minutes eliptical.  I have come to have my favorite treadmill and eliptical.  If one is busy, I will use the other, until the other is available.  Sometimes it ends up being 20/10, 25/5, but at least I am doing something.  About once a week I will do some weight lifting.  I need to figure out something to do with my arms though.  I want to work on the "wings". 

Well I have come to the conclusion that when I lose at my ww meetings, it's because I have done an extra work out that week, something completely different than regular gym work.  So I got the schedule for the different classes.  I saw they had a spinning class.  I did spinning back in college, so I thought, I got this.  Wrong.  Completely.  About 15 minutes in to the 50 minute class, I looked around to see if anyone would notice if I walked out.  But I pushed through and eventually finished the class, which was a great feeling.  But I have to say, that I wasn't really sure what hurt most....my legs, or my vajay.  I honestly couldn't walk/sit right for like three days afterwards.  A friend on facebook suggested that if I go back to buy a padded bike seat from wal-mart and that it helps big time.  I will definitely do that next time, there is no way I could do it again the way it was, lol. 

I am looking forward to trying a core workout I saw on the schedule, a step class and a regular aerobics class.  All in time right?  But one thing I do love is the benefits of the working out.  I have had to use over the counter sleeping pills for the last 7+ years cause I just can't fall asleep or stay asleep.  Since working out, I have been able to sleep through the night completely, and not wake up.  I also feel energized and not as sluggish.  I love it.  Also my legs are so freaking muscled out lol, I don't know a better term, but seriously they feel rock hard lol. 

A few years ago, I wanted a Wii so bad for Christmas.  Everyone had one, even my 80 year old neighbor had one.  I wanted the Wii Fit to go along with it so I could work out.  I begged my mom for it, yes, laugh all you want, I still give my mom a Christmas list every year.  Hey, I am single, no kids, and an only child, what do you expect?  Well, I have used the Wii a few times, but never the Wii Fit.  Why?  Because it has a weight limit.  Can you beleive that?  Stupid Nintendo.  I only have 4.6lbs left to lose before I can use it finally.  At the beginning of this adventure, that was my first real goal I set for myself.  Yes, losing the first 20lbs was a huge milestone, but when I can use the Wii Fit, I will feel so proud of myself.  And then I can add up some different workouts to my routine.  When that day comes, I will really feel good.  Now, to set it up is going to be a different story.  I have it for a very long time, and really can't remember where I put the instructions since I have moved.  Hmmm....when I get to that point, I will find a way right?!?! 

Well until next time....thanks for your support and reading this.

The beginning

I began my weight loss journey with Weight Watchers on August 16, 2011, but as most of you understand, I have dieted and tried losing weight since I was young.  I remember my first diet when I was in the 4th grade.  Mind you, I have always been a "big girl", family genetics and poor eating habits contributed to my heaviness, but I am tired of being the "big girl".  I just want to be the "girl/woman". 

BTW...my name is Brittany, I am 28 and I live in El Paso, TX.  I was born in raised in New Mexico, and after college moved to Colorado where my job transfered me to El Paso about a year and a half ago.  I hate it here.  Plain and simple.  Although closer to family (New Mexico only being an hour and a half drive), my job has changed dramatically (not for the good), and I have had some rough adventures in dating since being here.  Some of you already know this but, this is for anyone that doesn't. 

Although not liking it here, I feel like my life has changed here, for the better.  I started weight watchers as a favor to a co-worker/friend.  She wanted to lose some weight and didn't want to the go the experience alone.  I can remember being so nervous at our first meeting, and the first week was so hard to get used to.  My first weigh in was at a wopping 356.4lbs.  I was shocked, how could I let myself get to that much of an extreme?!?!  I was alotted 57 points plus points a day.  My friend was only allowed 29 points, so it was a little hard for her and I to really do this together, she was limited on what she could eat, but I on the other hand didn't feel limited at all, and after finding a website with WW points plus values for every restuarant almost in existence, I was good.

A few weeks later, my friend ended up dropping out.  Not only cause I think her heart wasn't in it completely, but she did get pregnant.  So she does have a good excuse.  But I was able to make friends with two girls that sit in front of me at the meetings, and now they are my biggest support system.  That and all my friends on facebook that everyweek when I update my status with my losses, the likes and comments come pouring in.  It's a great feeling.

I start this blog single....unfortunately lol.  Just this past weekend, my boyfriend of three months and I broke up for good (it's been an on again off again sort of thing for pretty much the whole duration of the relationship).  It's a messy situation, and we still talk, much to my dismay.  But I have some very interesting stories of my past dating history, and hopefully my future dating mystery. 

Let me give you a run down of my losses so far, and then hopefully in the next few days I can update this with more.

08-16-11 Enrollment Date
356.4 Weight at Enrollment
17.5 5% Goal
35 10% Goal

08-27-11 Weigh in:  349.2 Loss of 7.2lbs
09-1-11 Weigh in:  346.00 Loss of 3.2lbs
09-08-11 Weigh in: 342.4 Loss of 3.6lbs
09-14-11 Weigh in:  342.4 No Loss/No Gain
09-21-11 Weigh in:  341.8 Loss of .6lbs
09-28-11 Weigh in:  336.6 Loss of 5.2lbs ***Hit 5% Goal***
10-05-11 Weigh in:  334.6 Loss of 2lbs
Total so far:  21.4lbs lost!!!!

This morning I found an old suit that I bought 4 years ago, and it didn't fit when I bought it but still wore it for a while until it really didn't fit.  It fit wonderfully this morning, I was doing the happy dance!

Until next time....