I'm a loser....

Just as the title says....I AM A LOSER!!!!!!  This week at weigh in I lost 6.6lbs.  I know to a few different people that seems like a lot of weight to lose in a 7 day time period, but if you can actually take a look back at my weight record, for the past 4 weeks prior, it went something like this:

Week 1, .2lb loss
Week 2, 1lb loss
Week 3, .6lb gain
Week 4, .2lb loss

So with all those little losses and small gain, I needed something to get me out of the plateau I was in, and the funk I was in.  For those of you that are trying to lose weight, I am fairly certain you know how I feel at this very moment.  For those of you who aren't, I am sure at one point in your life, you needed something to pull you out of the horrible funk that you were in.  And that is exactly what it did for me.  I am elated.  I am excited.  I am extatic.  I am every happy word in the dictionary right now.  And I am proud to call myself a LOSER!!!! 

I knew I was in a funk for the past few weeks.  I am a very emotional person.  I was going through a lot personally and financially, and those emotions were at an all time high, along with being sick and my Dr. changing up some of my medicine, it made for a lethal combination.  That is no excuse for how I acted, or better yet, reacted to certain situations going on in my life.  Sometimes (let's be honest, most of the time, like 99.9% of the time), I think from my heart, rather than with a clear and objective mind.    In recognizing that, I was able to patch up a dear and very close to my heart, friendship, that may have been completely ruined had we not sat down and talked.  I am very thankful to have this person in my life and thankful she understood what was going on with me and was there to be supportive and a true friend when I needed her the most.  Love you boo!

Ok, so let me update you on what's been going on with me lately.  Last time we talked, I was sick, with what I think was just a stomach virus or stomach flu, not really sure what it was but man it took a lot out of me.  I didn't work out exactly like I wanted to that week, and also didn't eat exactly like I wanted to, eating out was a daily habit of mine.  So when I gained, it wasn't surprising.  Then I had a .2lb loss the next week and I was like ok, what the heck is going on, there is obviously something going on.  I am not losing like I normally do, granted I was in a funk, granted I wasn't doing everything perfect, but still I knew there was something up.  See, the thing is, I have PCOS.  Polycystic ovary syndrome.  The webmd description of it is: 

Polycystic ovary syndrome (say "pah-lee-SIS-tik OH-vuh-ree SIN-drohm") is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. For reasons that are not well understood, in PCOS the hormones get out of balance. One hormone change triggers another, which changes another. For example: The sex hormones get out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of male sex hormones (androgens). In PCOS, they start making slightly more androgens. This may cause you to stop ovulating, get acne, and grow extra facial and body hair. or: The body may have a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. Over time, this causes extreme weight gain and this also increases your chance of getting diabetes.

I was first diagnosed with this problem in 2006, although I have been living with it and experiencing all the symptoms and problems since I was a teenager.  The most common symptoms are:

• Acne.
• Weight gain and trouble losing weight.
• Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back.
• Thinning hair on the scalp.
• Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
• Fertility problems. Many women who have PCOS have trouble getting pregnant (infertility).
• Depression.

Well part of my treatment for this is birth control, which helps regulate my periods and keep them somewhat normal and also helps with acne (I have never had a bad complexion, even when I was young, but I do have flair ups which are horrible), and metformin.  Metformin is a drug more commonly used for people with diabetes to help control blood sugar levels, but because I don't have diabetes, it still helps lower my blood sugar levels, and also aids in the process of losing weight (due to it lowering blood sugar levels, it helps the insulin attack the sugar quicker). 

Before starting weight watchers, I did see a doctor, not the same one I have today, about what options I had as far as losing weight etc and that is when he prescribed the metformin.  When I was diagnosed in 2006, the doctor in Colorado prescribed glucophage (which is the brand name of metformin) and also had me see a nutritionist, and follow up appts, etc.  It's true that a person has to be ready, ready to lose weight, ready to quit smoking, ready to do whatever before it can be sucessful for them or they will just be waisting their time.  Which is exactly what happened with me.  I wans't ready.  Plus he would only prescribe the brand name product, no generics for the medicine, and the prescription was 50.00 for a month supply.  Outrageous!  So I quit going to him, and the nutritionist and taking the medicine. 

So back to my story, as I stated, I did see a Doctor before starting WW, but I didn't like him very much, he was very impersonable and rude, so I switched doctors.  When I started going to my current doctor, all I did was write down a list of prescriptions that I took, and brought that with me.  Well in doing so, I forgot to write that the metformin I was taking was the ER, extended release.  So when she filled my prescriptions, all she gave me was for regular metformin.  I didn't notice at first because I still had some old prescriptions from my old doctor.  About a month ago, I refilled my metformin she prescribed and it's a completely different pill than before.  A lot smaller in fact.  I didn't think anything of it until I started having these weight loss anomolies.  So I made an appt with my doctor for last Friday.

I showed her the prescription and we soon figured out that she didn't prescribe the extended release version.  Problem solved.  I have been experiencing a lot of swelling in my legs and feet lately, something that was quite normal before WW, but it had gone down since, and now was re-appearing.  So she precribed me a diaretic to help release some of the water that was being held up in my body.  She also prescribed some Paxil (an anti-depressent) because I was explaining to her that I have been experiencing some extreme emotions lately, when I am happy, I am happy, when I am sad, I am truly sad and it's weird because it can change in an instant.  Well I took it for the first few days, but then on Monday I fainted. 

Like normal, I woke up, got in the shower, and then went outside to smoke.  (I know smoking is bad, I am tackling one problem at a time).  I was standing outside and started to feel really naseaus.  Then I started to feel really light headed.  So I decided to go in but I remember walking through the door, closing it behind me but I didn't push it hard enough so it wasn't closed properly, and I remember telling myself that I needed to close it and then boom....I hit the floor.  I could feel myself falling, I could hear myself scream because I hit my head really hard on the ground, but it was like I wasn't in my body.  It was like I was hearing and feeling someone else faint.  So I woke up, searched for my phone to see what time it was, it had only been about two minutes, and I was breathing really hard and covered in sweat.  I have experienced those symptoms before and it was due to low blood sugar, so I knew I needed to eat something, so I was able to get to the refrigerator and drank some orange juice.  I felt immediately better.  It really freaked me out.  I tore a pinky toenail off because I guess my foot hit a side table, I hit my head and got this huge scrape on my back shoulder blade from hitting the desk.  Yeah...I felt like I lost that fight for sure. 

So I get to work and I start researching the Paxil, thinking it was related to that, but no, it was just due to low blood sugar (which I am going to have to be extra careful about because I am taking drugs to already lower it, so I need to be more aware of that), but I stumbled upon several user reviews for Paxil that I was completely freaked out about.  The first common and major complaint was....drum roll please.....weight gain!  Ummm....90% of my depression is due to my weight, so why would I want to feel numb to emotions but be fat?  Makes no sense.  I would rather be skinny and learn to deal with my emotions like a real person lol.  Also, they talked about when they got off of Paxel, it was like they were essentially crack addicts, going through withdrawals, etc.  I was like Ummm yeah, no.  Not for me. 

So in the last week, I had also changed up my normal workout routine.  I went to a Zumba class.  It was a lot different than the first time I went, I really liked this one.  I also started doing more eliptical rather than just treadmill.  I didn't eat out as much.  And the final result....a 6.6lb weight loss.  YAY me!  I am currently sitting at a total of 71.6lbs lost.  And my current weight is 285lbs.  Wow!  I feel amazing! 

As far as guys and dating...still nothing exciting.  Giving up POF for Lent has been a small blessing in disguise.  I actually enjoy not having it.  I enjoy being able to focus on myself.  I enjoy being able to reconnect with friends, and rest and relax without any of the drama.  But what I have missed that I also gave up for Lent is Buffalo Wings.....OMG...I sure hope Easter hurries the heck up.  I think my favorite wing place opens at 11, I will be the first in line.  I am dying for some wings.  The gas station I go to is right next to the wing place, and I have had to stop going there because the wonderful wing smell wafts in the air right as I am filling my gas tank.  Yeah...I am ready, I think it's only about two weeks away.  Hopefully!

Well, until next time!

Friends, feeling sorry for myself, and being sick

I was reading some one's blog recently, and she said that she hates when she reads other people's blogs that don't keep it real. That won't talk about the gains, the hardships, the tough times. But rather only talk about the loses, the good times and the triumphs. I agree with her, and I have to admit that I tend to be one of those people who only talk about the positive things, so I vow to keep it real and talk about everything. The good and the bad.

So I worked out hard last week.  Hard.  101 activity points to be exact.  I maybe didn't eat exactly perfect, but I did track everything though.  So I weighed in yesterday and had a gain of .4lbs.  I was super surprised because I wasn't expecting a gain.  Although going back and thinking about everything I ate, I probably didn't make the most wise choices in what I ate.  In fact, I think I had one meal eaten out (fast food or restaurant) each day.  I know that sounds like a lot, but when I don't get off work until 630pm, come home, change, go to the gym for like an hour, it's super late.  To late to come home and then cook and cleanup afterwards.  Hence why I eat out.  I take my lunch to work with me everyday.  I used to eat out before I joined weight watchers for that meal every day, but now I am pretty good about taking my lunch. 

So I made a plan.  A lot of the problem I have is deciding what I want to have.  And making sure I have enough supplies on hand to have that meal.  If I have it, it's not so bad to cook and make time to do so and clean up afterwards.  So I created a meal calendar.  In making that, I looked for some different recipes that I am excited to try.  I allotted myself two nights in the two week plan to eat out.  So that's good.  I also made a pretty extensive grocery list out for things I need to go buy. 

So yesterday I went to the most amazing luncheon that this motivational speaker really caught my attention.  It was an amazing speech and most amazing lunch too.  It was buffet style and you would have thought I never ate before in my life.  I put enchiladas, turkey, orzo, stuffing, and steamed veggies on my plate.  It was sooo good.  But I got back to work and my stomach immediately started disagreeing with me. 

I felt sick.  I went to the bathroom, and I threw up.  My boss sent me home early from work and I went ahead and worked out, and went to weigh in.  I ate and was fine, went to bed and woke up and was great.  I ate breakfast and it hit me again.  I was super sick.  So I went to work because it was to late to call in sick, but as soon as my boss got in I went home.  I ate lunch and took a nap and was sick again when I woke up.  I wish I could feel better.  It sucks being sick.  And I hate being alone when I am sick too.  It's the worst feeling.  My mom has never been to empathetic when I have been sick, her solution:  get a trash can.  Yeah, exactly what she said to me over the phone.  When I called her crying today because I was feeling sorry for myself, she finally got it that I was "really" sick and she felt bad, but it was to late, I had already tried calling a few people, and one person was like wow that sucks and then really didn't want to have much of a conversation with me after that, and the other person was like let me know if you need anything and when I asked if they could come sit with me, they were busy and couldn't, so why even offer I thought. 

Ughh, I just really am getting so tired of people lately.  I understand everyone has their own life and their own things going on in that life, but when I am needed, I try to always be there, but when it comes to things that I need, nobody is there.  Nobody ever cares.  Even with me being sick, nobody except one coworker has called to check on me.  I don't know if I am just feeling sorry for myself, but this really sucks.  You feel like you have people in your life for a purpose, that they are supposed to be in your life to teach you something, but I didn't know that everyone in your life is supposed to be teaching you not to fully trust people, and don't get to attached because they will just walk away when it's convenient for them, or when they just need something from you.  I know I am being super dramatic, but I am just really hurt and depressed right now over a few situations going on in my life. 

So as for guys, really I don't have much going on in that department.  Carson contacted me on Valentines Day and we started talking and the gist of the conversation was that he was sorry, and he missed me and that he was gonna do anything to get me back.  I told him we could be friends and see where it goes.  I didn't want to rush anything.  Everything had been going good for the rest of the week and I went out of town that weekend to my mom's house.  He had told me on Thursday that week that an old friend from Dallas was coming to visit him for the weekend (it was president's day weekend) and he didn't want there to be any secrets or to hold anything from me.  I thought it meant a lot for him to actually tell me that because he wouldn't have in the past.  On Saturday before I left to go out of town, btw his house is on the way for me to head out of town, I texted him asking if I could stop by and meet his friend.  He said no, he didn't feel comfortable with that.  I was like WHAT?!?!?!...what do you mean your not comfortable with that.  It made no sense to me.  So I left and went out of town, and that night, I was on facebook, and we are not friends on facebook, and his profile is private, but I can still see who he adds as friends to his profile.  He had added this girl that her url for facebook happened to be dbdacarson well his initials are DBC DB Carson (I just call him Carson because I am trying to keep his anonymity), and her name was Dolores A, so to me that was saying that they either were in a relationship or had one or whatever.  Another girl that he added had tagged herself in a place of "my bed" saying all cozy in my bed, someone had commented saying what a lucky bed, she said thanks, and oh guess what, I am engaged.  I scroll up to see she posted a picture of Carson.  A picture btw he sent me months ago when he was out in the field.  She put on the photo "Que Sexy" and people's comments were like oh he looks nice and she said he was, people said he looked better than her last man and she said I know thanks, etc.  I was beyond mad.  I had asked him if he was seeing anyone when he contacted me on Valentines Day and he said he had dated a few girls but nothing serious, and he was going to stop talking to them to try and get me back.  So the fact that he is saying all this bs about trying to get me back, and then finding this bs on facebook, I was beyond mad and upset.  So I contacted him and asked him what was going on and he responded that he can't control what other people post on facebook, that I was just starting bs.  He got really mad at me.  And my way to respond to him, which I know isn't right but I feel like it's the only way for me to communicate with him to get a response from him, I pick at him and pick.  So I kept sending random texts saying I hope you got her a nice engagement ring and I hope you have a nice wedding and have a nice life together, stuff like that, stuff that I knew would hurt him, but I also knew I would get a response from him.  I know it's not right and now realize that I can't communicate with him like that because it doesn't get me anywhere.  I even messaged the girl that said she was engaged to him, and she never responded.  So a few days passed, and we started talking again, and it wasn't good.  We both were angry and we both had a lot to say but felt like all we were doing was repeating the same stuff, the same stuff from that conversation, from months ago, from everything.  It was redundant.  See I am sure I have explained this before but early on in our relationship, there were some trust issues that emerged.  So since then, I have tried, but I have absolutely no trust, I will get some and he will just do something to make it all disappear.  So since then, we have talked, and we have also hung out three times, but it's not the same.  We try, but it's still there.  We even try not to bring it up, but everything gets brought up at some point and he ends up getting angry, and doesn't want to discuss anything and nothing gets resolved.  I don't know what we are, what we are doing, nothing, we talk everyday, but the extent of our conversation is this:  Me, good morning, him, gm, me, have a good day, him, u2, me good night, him gn i love you.  That's pretty much it. 

IDK...I know a lot of the issues I have with guys in general are insecurities and they are insecurities due to my weight and body and issues I have from my father as well.  Issues that have developed over the years and years of broken hearts and dealing with men.  I am tired of feeling like I have to settle for someone who doesn't treat me right.  People say oh you deserve better just dump 'em, they aren't worth it, but to me, I feel like another guy isn't going to come along.  That no other guy in the world is going to even want to be around me.  I don't know how to even get over that.  To learn what my worth is.  Like the Alicia Keys song, A woman's worth...I have no idea. 

As far as friends, yeah haven't felt like I have had a lot of friends lately.  I feel like I have been pushed to the side.  I used to have a life that I was never at home, now I have a life that if I am not at work or the gym, I am at home.  Why?  Because my friends don't want to hang out.  Not sure if I have done something or what, but that is how I feel.  I have asked, but I am always told no.  So I don't know what to do.  There is only so much I can do.

So also to top all this off, I went last weekend to get my hair done and a mani/pedi.  Now, for the past 15 years, there has only been one person to do my hair.  She is the only one I trusted, the only one I would even let near my hair.  Well she recently quit doing hair.  She got a job with benefits for the school system, which I understand, but it completely sucks because now I don't know where to go.  On top of that, anything that I ever got done with her was free.  My mom did her accounting so in trade she would give us free services.  So not only was I looking for a new place to get my hair done, but somewhere relatively cheap because I did not want to be 120 to get a hair cut lol.  It wasn't going to happen.  So I researched beauty schools and found this really nice one right down the street from my house.  Now yes it is a beauty school, but they have instructors there and they are also super conscious of what they are doing because they don't want to make any mistakes.  So I got my hair done.  Loved it!  It actually turned out really well and I am very impressed.  Now, she did my manicure in between my hair setting so I felt a bit rushed, but it still turned out really well.  My pedicure on the other hand...not so much.  I get really bad ingrown toe nails because of the way my toe nails grow.  So I had this wonderful lady in Colorado that could pick 'em out and they would be amazing.  But I haven't been able to find anyone here, so my toes where so sore and they needed some attention.  So she started with my right foot and drug one of her tools up the side of my toe and I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain.  She didn't even do anything, however because it's already sore and hurting it just started bleeding out of control.  She finished the pedicure, mind you not digging out the sides and them still hurting.  I got home and my right toe was killing me.  The next day I put my tennis shoes on to go workout and it was so much pain.  I stopped and got some hydrogen peroxide and Epsom salt and came home and socked the toe.  I have had to do this every morning and night along with two Motrin each time just to control the pain.  I have also had to bandage the toe because it's leaking puss.  Gross, I know.  I am sure she gave me an infection, but I am sure my ingrown didn't help.  I also don't know what to do about it.  I don't want to go to a podiatrist because all they will do is pull the whole nail off and I don't want that.  I have had it done before and it's not fun. 

Well that's all my complaining and feeling sorry for myself.  Until next time....