Day 13-Write a letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Dear Ex,

I don't know how to begin to tell you how disappointed I am in you and our relationship.  I loved you more than anything in this world.  I loved you with my whole heart and soul.  For someone who hasn't had a lot of that in his life, I can't imagine how you wouldn't want to soak all that love up like a sponge.

I think a lot of our problems were associated with us being to used to being on our own.  Me, I loved my space, but I yearned to have that connection with you, that bond, that never-ending love that you get when you are truly fall for someone.  For you, you were so used to being on your own, that when I tried to invade your "space", it was like a personal attack against you and a constant struggle between us.  All I wanted was you, time with you!

I hate how you have hurt me, I hate that I have allowed you in so far into my heart, that you were able to rip and tear it apart.  I hate that every weekend, you were blowing me off, arguing with me, etc and I was at home, alone, crying because I was in so much pain.  And you never could understand that you hurt me.  That my reactions were based on how you hurt me.  It's like a fight or flight situation, yes I do have an attitude, but only because I was provoked by either your words or actions. 

I hate that you know that something is bothering me or is making me mad, but still either don't do anything to change it, act like it doesn't exist or is "not that big of a deal".  I don't trust you.  Plain and simple.  Why you might ask?  Because, like I have told you, YOU CAN NOT PLAY A PLAYER!!!!  I know all your tricks, maneuvers, etc.  I feel if you aren't with me, it's someone else.  I know you talk to girls on the internet, and say the SAME exact things to them, that you said to me.  How do I know this?  Because I am NOT stupid like you might think I am.  Yes, I have created fake dating profiles.  Yes, I have used my co-workers' phones to text you from.  And yes, you have already previously made plans with me, but set up dates with these "fake" girls, and cancelled on me and also have started fights with me so I didn't come around, and of course, the fights were always my fault.

That's what I hate the most, is that everything, every argument, fight, disagreement, no contact etc, is ALWAYS my fault!  It may have started out with you hurting me, you doing something, but because of the way I react to the situation, by either going off on you or straight up ignoring you, I am in the wrong.  It's MY attitude that caused the problem.  Can you not take at least partial blame for the situation?  I am not saying I am perfect, but guess what, neither are you!  You may be so into yourself that you think you are, but honey let me tell you, there are taller, more attractive, more funny, more sympathetic men out there.  Bottom line, there is someone out there that is better than you. 

Don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you, but I am not happy with how things were.  I do not feel like you gave me what I needed or cared enough to know or learn what I needed.  If you ever care to learn or know, let me know.  Until then, no we can't be friends!

~Brittany~

Here is some lyrics from a song that has really helped me through this:
       
        Someone Like You
        by Adele

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Day 12-How and why you got started blogging

I have a friend, that back in May of this year moved from New Mexico, all the way to Japan. She had gotten her Master's Degree in social work, and couldn't find a job to save her life, or at least one that paid decent, used her education, and was close to home. For a while, she was driving an hour and a half each way to a small town to do social work/therapy at the hospital there, but not only was it such a small town that it was a "clicky" job, but the money just didn't pay for what she was spending in gas, and car repairs. So she decided to make a change and move to Japan to teach English for a year. In her journey of going there, she started a blog. Something to keep everyone updated on how she was, how we could keep in contact with her, etc. I really liked that idea of how I was always in the know of what she was up to besides the normal facebook.

So when I started the weight loss process and joined weight watchers, I started updating all my friends on facebook of my progress and weekly reports and tagged places at the gym. It worked. But everyone always had questions. How are you doing it, what are you eating, what kind of excercise are you doing, etc. Not that I minded answering the questions, but if someone asked the same question in a previous post I made, I felt like why am I waisting my time each week to continue to post the same things. (Yes, I am one of those people at work that if you ask me how to do something, I have no problem showing you how or telling you how to do it the first time, the second time I am a little irritated and then the third down right P.O.'d, because again, why am I waisting my time showing you if you can't either write the steps down, or remember them in the first place. Then I just end up getting in trouble because "I have no patience"....) So I decided to start a blog.

At first I didn't have WW online, so I started it on blogspot.com. I really like it a lot better there because you are given free reign and not limited to the number of characters, but I also like WW cause I can share with all of you! So I update both. My friends from FB all view on blogspot, and my WW community views here. It has really helped me sometimes with my emotions. Wether it be happy, sad, depressed, frustrated, elated, etc. I know I can always post something and get instant feedback. It's nice.

I hope everyone had a good and sucessful weekend. Heres to hoping I did. I weigh in tomorrow. If I lost, I am treating myself to Taco Bell. It's my favorite. I used to work there and I still love it. There isn't anything I don't like. That's one thing I miss, is being able to pig out there. But with little treats like that, it's better than nothing right?

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends.

This picture is of my friends Donna, Jason, Reshana and me before I left to move to El Paso from Colorado. It was my going away present at this restaurant called On The Border, and they gave me a bag for my gift that had Mexican flags and other Mexican items on it...yeah they wern't kidding. It's like an American Mexico living here. These folks were my rocks in Colorado. Donna was my manager and my biggest supporter and best mentor I ever had. Jason was my friend, and was always there to listen. And Reshana, she was my heart. She helped me so much become the person I am today. She loved me for me and helped me be a better me. I don't know where I would be without these folks. I got to see them all recently when I went back to Colorado for Thanksgiving. Jason and I hung out a few times, and Donna and Reshana went to lunch with me once. It was very nice seeing them and seeing where they have gone with their lives recently. I miss them a lot.

Day 10- Songs you listen to when your happy, sad, bored, hyper, mad.

My Ipod is an eclectic compelation of everything under the sun. Yes I am white, so my music taste really does not go with the color of my skin. Haha. Sometimes on the way to work I like to listen to crazy hard core bumping hip hop, something that I would be at the club shaking my booty to or something that you would hear coming from a gansta's tricked out Cadi on 24's with 15's in the trunk. My 16 year old cousin, who is like my little sister, calls me her gangsta cousin...yeah, not proud of it, but I like my hip hop lol.

Something else that I really like to listen on the way to work is Vanilla Ice, Ice Ice Baby. Don't hate on me. I know every word. I can spit that rhyme faster and harder than Vanilla Ice can. I am gangsta like that. As gangsta as spitting a white man's rap. LOL. Yeah.

I also really like Glee's cover of Journey's Don't Stop Beleiving. I don't know why, but for some reason, no matter what mood I am in, once I hear that song, it instantly puts me in a good mood. I also like, and just so coincidentally they are right next to each other on my MP3 player hooked up in my car is this song called Ice Cream Paint Job. Don't know who it's by, but it's gangsta and has this really amazing beat to it.

I have also been really digging lately Beyonce's new song called Party, and J. Cole's Work Out, they both have really nice beats. Stereo Hearts, Moves Like Jagger, anything by LMFAO, Pumped Up Kicks, Jay-Z/Kanye N's in Paris, and Lilly Allen and T-Pain 5 in the morning are all songs I have recently downloaded. But my absolute fav right now is Adele. I love her new album. I am hoping for it for Christmas...hint hint.. :)!!!

Workouts depend...no slow music, has to have a good beat and get me going and motivated. Sometimes depending on my day at work, I like to listen to rock...AC/DC, Linkin Park, Weezer, etc. Also, I do have some country. I like old school like George Straight and Reba McIntire.

Yeah, pretty eclectic.

Day 9- Somthing you're proud of in the past few days.

Well as you know from my last blog, I am not proud of the fact that I gained this week, but I am proud of how I reacted to a certain situation. Normally, when it comes to guys, I don't tend to speak up about my feelings, and how I feel they treat me, right or wrong. As spoken about before, I know this is a lack of self confidence, but one day, I want to go on a date with a guy, or start dating a guy, and the first time they mess up, kick them straight to the curb. Not worry that if I get rid of him, there won't be another one down the line. Don't get me wrong, I am ok by myself. Yes, I get lonely, but because I am an only child, I am very used to being by myself, and doing things by myself. That is my goal!

But, back to the situation I am proud of the way I handled. So my ex, he has been contacting me. We got into a huge fight this past weekend, and finally on Tuesday I stood up to him. Told him exactly how I felt. I told him that I wasn't happy with the way he treated me, and that I felt like he didn't give me what I needed. He told me he wanted to be friends, but I told him I don't think that would be possible. It's just better for a clean break, and let it go. He got mad at me and called me a smart a** because I had quick responses and said what I truly felt during our conversation. I told him that I wasn't a smart a**, but I was just actually speaking up for myself, rather than letting him control the conversation and walk all over me, which was normal for our talks and/or fights. I am good about speaking up for myself, but when we would fight, especially in person, he would always twist my words, twist the conversation, and making it always my fault and also speak over me so I couldn't really ever get my point across of why I was mad in the first place.

I am excited for this weekend, to rest. I don't know if I am more excited to sleep in, watch tv or just veg, but I am EXCITED!!! I am planning on going to the gym tonight, and then taking Saturday off, and then going on Sunday. But I am taking it easy this week. Not over doing it, and work up to those hard work out. Hopefully I will see the difference at weigh in next week. Saturday I will be cooking dinner for my friend and weight watchers buddie and her husband. I am going to make spaghetti squash spaghetti. Then Sunday, the Denver Broncos play (hopefully winning so they can make it to the playoffs), and I am going to watch the game and go out for dinner with my friend Josh and his wife who also moved here from Colorado. We have a tradition of always going to Rudy's bbq, but normally I pig out, this time I will be good about it.

Well until next time...

Day 8- Short term goals for this month and why

Well, before weigh in this week, my short term goals would have been to finally be UNDER 300lbs by New Years. My weight was 309.4lbs, so I only needed to lose 10.4lbs by December 31, 2011. This would have been the first time I was under 300lbs since before 2003, because that had been the first time I had weighed myself probably since junior high when you were required to weigh in. So who knows really when I hit that 300 mark, but all I know is it was a long time ago, so this was going to be a HUGE acheivement for me!

So because my goal was to lose 10.4lbs in 5 weeks, we are talking a little over 2lbs each week. To get there, it would require some discipline on my part. Now don't get me wrong, on a normal weekly basis since joining WW, I am losing about 2.5lbs on average each week, so this was a very reachable goal. But because it was sooooo important, I wanted to make sure I actually did it. What did this mean? Tracking, every day, watching my food intake a little closer, and portion size a little more than usual. This also meant more gym time. I normally work out 5-6 a week, max 30 minutes each time cardio. MAX 30 minutes. Why? Because I know myself, if I do more, I will either get burned out, or get to the point of not liking it, and then make excuses of not wanting to go. And then falling off plan. This is me, I know myself. But I had a goal, and I wanted to meet it.

So I started going to the gym with a friend and also fellow WW goer. She has lost a ton more weight than I have, and also started at a smaller size than I did, so she is, to me, completely fit. She will disagree, but I think if I had her current body, that would be my "happy" place. She kicked my butt in the gym. Literally. Icy Hot and I got really close this past week. Tylenol...check! My body hurt so much from how hard I was working out that I debated and debated over and over on when I actually needed to go pee, because that involved me getting up and then sitting back down. (PS...I wish I was a dude, would have been much easier). So you get the point, I worked out hard.

We get to the WW meeting on Tuesday night (thinking and hoping to lose in the 3lb range), and weigh in, we have a tradition of not opening until after both have been weighed, and so I open, gasp because I see 2.8lbs (I thought close enough)....and then see the worst sign I have ever seen in my life. The + sign. What?!?!?!? How could I gain. I worked my A** off. I worked SOOOO hard and I gained? Seriously?!?!?! I was devastated. I just cried. My friend tried her best to comfort me. I tried my best during the meeting not to continue to cry, but I was so mad. I was angry. I tried to look away when our leader would talk and I was crying. I tried to be the first out of the meeting, but the leader ran after me, asking if I was ok, and if I needed to talk, I was to upset. My friend came over that night and measured me, saying that I probably gained muscle, but lost inches. I did, since last month I lost 7 3/4 inches. I was still so mad, angry, disappointed. Every horrible feeling you could feel. I have gained once before but I expected it, I knew I did bad, but this time I did everything right, that was what was so hurtful.

So now my goal is to lose the 2.8lbs that I gained, and try my hardest to lose the 10.4lbs, but if I don't, then I continue on until I reach it. I was given a few quotes to help me through this.

A setback is just an opportunity for a comeback!
AND
You win some, you lose some, but I will be **** if I let this get me down. This is nothing but motivation!

So wish me luck, last night I took it easy at the gym, tonight I have kickboxing, and then the rest of the week/weekend take it easy, but still work out and still eat right.

Here I go!!!

Day 7- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

This is a picture of me, my uncle and my mom. These are the people who have had the biggest impact on me. Other than that, my mentor Donna, and former boss, Julia. They are my biggest supporters.

Day 6- Your favorite Superhero and why

My mom....she has done such an amazing job with what she was given in life and just made an amazing example of the type of person I want to be.

Day 5- A picture of somewhere you've been.

Las Vegas...oh how I love that place! I have been three times and hope to go back soon, as the skinny Brittany haha. But I want to go with a group of girls and just paint the town red.

Day 4- A habit you wish you didn't have.

Smoking...I know, I know, it's a horrible habbit, but I figure I will take one thing at a time, and work on my weight loss first then quit smoking later. I started when I was in college as a way at work to get a break. Now, I am constantly thinking about it. It's really smelly, and bad. I get embarrassed by it sometimes. My whole family smokes, so that doesn't make it any easier.

Day 3- A picture of you and your friends.

For some reason it won't let me upload several pictures, because I have several friends, but here is one of my favorite pictures because it brings back good times. This is me, my friend Jason and friend Christye. We were like the three musketeers when I lived in Colorado. But now we just keep in touch when we can. It's sad when things aren't always the same. I have many other friends, but can't upload pictures of them :(

Day 2-The meaning of the name of your blog

What is the meaning behind the name of my blog?  Well it's pretty self explanatory.  It's the ups and downs of a "BIG" girl in losing weight and dating.  I think anybody with weight issues can attest to the fact that your self confidence isn't always at the highest marks when you are "BIG" and trying to date.  I have put up with a lot of bulls*** from guys and the dating world in general because of my weight.  A lot of my problem is that because of my weight if any guy shows me attention, I don't want to do anything to lose that guy because I am afraid there might not be another out there that would like me, for me.  I know that's a self confidence issue.  I am sure with losing weight that will help.  I have always wanted to be that girl that can say forget you, I don't need your bulls***, I am out.  But I have never been able to do that.  Now, outside of the whole guys/dating scene, I am the most confident person in the world.  I am outspoken, the life of the party, etc.  I have no problem telling people how I really feel.  Good or Bad.  That's a good personality trait as well as bad sometimes. 

Well on a good note, I got all my Christmas shopping done yesterday, online.  So I should be getting all the packages in soon.  That's exciting, I don't have to fight any of the crowds in the stores.  Plus this year is the first year my mom has ever given me a list of the stuff she wanted, so I was able to just go off that, and that was super nice.  Well it's pretty busy at work today, so I must go...talk to you tomorrow!

Daily Blog Challenge Stolen from Chante, Day 1

Day 1- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 2- The meaning behind of your blog name
Day 3- A picture of you and your friends.
Day 4- A habit you wish you didn't have.
Day 5- A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 6- Your favorite Superhero and why.
Day 7- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 8- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 9- Somthing you're proud of in the past few days.
Day 10- Songs you listen to when your happy, sad, bored, hyper, mad.
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends.
Day 12- How you found out about blogs and why you made one.
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day14- A picture of you and your family.
Day 15- Put your ipod on shuffle; first 10 songs that play.
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for a day and why.
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them?
Day 20- Someone you see yourself being happy with in the future.
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else?
Day 23- Something you crave a lot.
Day 24- A letter to your parents.
Day 25- What I would find in your purse.
Day 26- What you think about your friends.
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now. Have you changed since then?
Day 29- In the past month what have you learned?
DAY 30- Who are you?

Recent Picture of Myself: (11-29-11)

15 facts about myself...hmmm...

1.  I am super sore today, I went to kickboxing last night
2. I have OCD....my feet and hands have to be clean all the time
3.  I use Vick's Vapor rub every day, I put it on my lips and nose at night so my lips are nice and soft and I can breath with allergies while sleeping
4.  I am a true romantic at heart, I love the small things
5.  I hate wearing my name tag at work because I hate people who don't know me, knowing my name
6.  I constantly fight with my boss about wearing my name tag.  One day it will be insubordination...ahhh who cares
7.  I like to make others laugh, sometimes even at my own expense
8.  I love to be at the center of attention
9.  I HATE WHISTLING!!!!
10.  I get really annoyed by people who don't have common sense, such as this girl that is trying to fax somethng outside my office that it keeps telling her the number isn't good, but she continues to try, using the same number.  Absolutely no common sense to stop or try another number...geez
11.  I have no full blooded brothers or sisters, I have a half sister, and a step brother who are much older than I am
12.  Although the only child, I am not spoiled, I work hard for everything I have, unless it's Christmas or my Birthday, then I get what I want :)
13.  I am now able to use my WII Fit but can't figure out how to set it up
14.  I am a diehard Denver Broncos football fan.
15.  I HATE HATE HATE people touching my elbows, me touching someone elses elbows, when someone brushes up against me with their elbows, anything elbow related.  It's gross.  Most people's elbows are super ashy and dry and it's just so disgusting.  I don't mind when they have something over their elbows such as sweater or jacket, but bare elbows, no thanks.

On a good note, I lost 4.6lbs for Thanksgiving.  Bringing me to 309.4.  I only need to lose 10.4lbs to get under 299 which is my next big goal to meet.  I want to hit that before Jan. 1, 2012.  Guess who messaged me recently on POF?  Crazy legs...yup...he is crazy if he thinks I am going to write him back, sucka!