Absent

I have totally been absent....not only from my blogs, but tracking, entering my weight, watching what I eat, exercising....pretty much everything that has helped me lose weight in the past has gone out the window.  And to be completely honest, not even just with the weight loss side of things, with life in general.  I have become, with no better words that come to mind, ehhhh.  Why?  I am being lazy.  I know why, I just don’t feel like doing this anymore, not life but just doing this whole weight loss thing anymore.  I hate having to watch what I eat when everyone around me is eating everything I want.  I hate feeling left out.  I want to be able to go out to dinner and eat the burger and fries instead of chicken salad with no dressing.  I want to be able to enjoy all the holiday wonderfulness like cookies and cakes etc.  I am just being completely unreasonable in my wants, when I don’t NEED any of it. 

I feel like I am lost and need help to be found.  I have been yo-yoing for the past three months.  It’s crazy looking back on the past few month’s weigh ins, I would gain, lose, gain, gain, lose.  I am never consistent.  It’s frustrating looking back.  I have wasted so much time.  It’s ridiculous.  It’s unnecessary is what it is.  I am so mad at myself.  I am the only one to blame for it also.  This is one of those times where you want to be able to blame someone else but really, I am the only one.  Have you heard that saying that the true definition of being insane is when you keep trying to do the same thing and don’t change anything so you end up with the same results?  Yeah…I need to change something!  I need a plan.

So here it is…my plan to get back on track!

1.       Start weighing and measuring every food!

2.       Track! Track! Track! Track! I think I am even going to do manual and online tracking. 

3.       Get my butt back to the gym…no excuses!!!

4.       Stop allowing what others are doing to influence my choices and decisions.

5.       Remember the joy it feels when you see the losses on the scale!

So what has been going on in my life....A LOT!!!!  Let me try to catch you up.  Where should I start? So last time we talked, I was dating a lot of guys all at the same time.  Well I have stopped that.  It was the easiest thing to do.  Why?  Because I met someone who made it easy.  Someone who walked into my life, like a breath of fresh air, and made me want to give up the other guys.  All my friends would ask why are you dating so many guys at once and I was like because none of them have everything I want in one guy.  This guy has everything I want!  They also asked when I was going to stop.  I always told them that there was going to be someone out there that was going to make me want to.  And I was right!

We met online…of course.  That’s how I meet everyone I dated.  I messaged him first, I think he had just recently opened up his account, I am not sure.  But I messaged him telling him that I liked what his profile said and if he was interested in getting to know me better to let me know.  He replied back saying he was definitely interested.  We started talking and then we exchanged phone numbers, he was on his way to the gym.  He told me his name was James.  So I get this text from a number I don’t recognize later in the evening and he was like hey this is Lee.  I was thinking OMG….the guy that I dated in college was named Lee and he and I didn’t end in good terms.  Also on that note, his best friend had recently just found me on the same dating website and he and I were talking, just to catch up and I had asked him not to tell my ex because I did not want him to be a part of my life, he was from my past and no need to bring him into my future.  So I was freaking out and responded with ummm ok.  Then he was like oh my bad, this is James, my last name is Lee and I am used to all my friends calling me that (because he was in the military), and I am just now trying to switch over to being called by my first name.  Whewww…that was a relief.  So we talked for a few days and then we had our first date.  He planned the whole thing.  We went to dinner, then a movie, we got frozen yogurt and drove to this place called scenic drive which overlooks the city.  It was the best date ever!!!!

He went with me to one of my friends’ birthday parties.  All my friends LOVED him.  Things were going great.  We spent almost every day together.  It was so nice.  Then…here comes the kicker….we decided to move in together.  He moved in with me.  We got all of his stuff in, well most of it; we put a lot in storage and a lot of my stuff in storage.  He moved in about two weeks before my cruise. 

By the way, my cruise was AMAZING!!!!  I ate entirely too much, had entirely too much fun, but it was all worth it.  I had a blast.  We went to the Caribbean, so we went to St. Thomas, USVI, Antigua, West Indies, Tortola, BVI, and Nassau Bahamas.  I got really sunburned, and even got sun poisoning, but it was all worth it.  I wish I was back there right now!  I even found a guy in Antigua that chased me around the whole time telling me he wanted to marry me because he loves American Fluffy Divas. 

Things with James have been really well.  This is a very new experience for me.  One, I have never lived with a boyfriend before.  And two, I have never lived with anyone other than my family before.  I have massive OCD, and I was really scared by him moving in it was going to cause a lot of problems.  Really, it hasn’t been bad.  There are a few things here and there, but overall we get along really well, and he is super easy going so that makes things a lot easier.  He helps clean and he takes out the trash.  I cook because he doesn’t know how, and that makes things easier because he will eat anything I cook, so I can cook healthy.  Where we get in trouble is the eating out part.  He LOVES wings!  So do I!!!  So we tend to have those a lot when we shouldn’t.  But he is super supportive of my weight loss endeavors. 

What is refreshing is the fact that I feel like this is truly a real relationship.  With all the other guys there was always so much drama and fighting and things going on that we never had the “real” relationship part.  I love spending time with him.  He is slowly becoming my best friend.  We talk about everything!  We go to dinner, or we go to the movies or Walmart, anywhere, we go as a couple and it’s nice.  We also still continue to lead our separate lives as well.  I hang out with my friends, he plays football.  I watch tv, he plays his playstation.  We aren’t so intertwined that we don’t have our separate identity’s, but we still spend a lot of time together.  Next weekend we are going snowboarding.  I have never been.  He loves it and has gone several times and even has his own gear.  I am pretty excited. 

So yesterday was weigh in.  I missed last week’s weigh in so I was fully prepared for a huge gain.  Luckily, it wasn’t bad.  I actually lost weight!  I think I am getting on track, and it feels good.  Tonight my best friend Jayson is coming over for dinner and to hang out with James and I.  I am going to make spaghetti with meatballs.  The healthy version!  LOL!

Well I hope this caught everyone up!  Until next time….

Update 7-31-12

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

So I wanted to update you all with some exciting news about what's going on in my life. So my cousin is a professional poker player and she went to Las Vegas a few months ago and came in second in the world series of poker games. She won a cruise to the Bahamas. She can take one person with her and she asked me if I would go with her. I am so excited. We are going in November for eight days. I had also bought this dress as an incentive for the weight loss, and it's in like a size that I didn't think I would ever fit into, and it's been in my closet for months. Out of the blue this past weekend I tried it on. It not only fits, but is to big in some places. I was super happy, and the fact that I am more than likely going to wear it on my upcoming birthday makes me even happier. My mom is coming this weekend to go through my closet with me to help taylor some of my clothes. They are all falling off me, and I can't afford right now to go on a shopping spree, I want to wait until goal. I buy a few things here and there but I don't want to overdo it.

So to update you on the young guy, we will call him Charlie Bollocks. We ended up working out together on Thursday and then on Friday ended up going on a date. It went really well. We went back to my apartment and were standing in my kitchen talking, mind you we had both had a couple drinks at that point, and he gave me this huge hug and said he was going to miss me while he was gone. I told him I was going to miss him to and that I was worried he would forget about me while he was gone. He then said how could he forget about his girlfriend and I would be the first person he called when he got home. I said girlfriend? And he was like yup, I like you a lot and like spending time with you and I want to be with you. I mean really, who is going to pass something like that up? Saturday we watched movies all day and then I took him to work that night at 12:30am to leave out of town on military training for a month. It's only day 3 and it's super hard already. I think the worst part is that there is no electronics allowed, so no emails, texts or phone calls.

So I have a question to anybody out there, it doesn't matter if your single, married, whatever, but did you or do you google anybody that you date or have in your life? I ask because I do, and have never thought of this as abnormal, but a situation came up where it came into question. I googled Charlie. Of course after finding out the nescessary stuff I would need to find him on google, I searched and came across a few things. He had told me his name was Charlie Bollocks, and he had sent me a picture of him in his military uniform that had his last name as Delgado. So I searched for Charlie Bollocks Delgado, and came across the fact that his name is actually Kevin Delgado, but he goes by Charlie Bollocks. I figured there had to be a reason why he wasn't telling me his real name, so I was going to let him tell me and not confront him about it. I also found some minor things of no importance that he had bought some items off amazon and reviewed them and that he likes devient art and has a website dedicated to it, and actually is pretty good from what I saw.

So on Friday we were talking and something came up and he was like well my real name isn't Charlie Bollocks it's Kevin Delgado. Instead of saying ok, I said I know. He got super weirded out that I had googled him and what I found and after explaining to me that the reason for the name thing is because he is a Jr. and his father has done some pretty bad things and he was in the process of changing his name and joined the military which is next to impossible to change your name after you join. Understandable. But he got super weirded out that I googled him. Is this normal for people to google or am I just abnormal in thinking it's normal? What are your thoughts?

Well...I have weigh in today. Wish me luck! Heres hoping to one more step closer to the 100lb mark!

I am in a funk...

So as the title states, I am in a funk.  I don't know why.  I don't know how it started.  But it seems like ever since I hit my 100lb mark, everything has gone downhill.  Quickly.  I was so motivated to meet my goal that once I did, I think I have just given up.  Don't get me wrong, I still tend to watch what I eat.  Not close at all.  I don't measure, I don't count points, I don't think about the consequences anymore.  But at least when I am making food choices, I am trying to make smarter ones than the worst you could possibly make.  I was still working out.  Was in the past tense.  I haven't been to the gym since Friday.  That helped me not gain as much weight over the last four weeks as I should have, but now I have completely given up and abandoned that.

I have started anew today.  I so far have tracked everything I have eaten.  Pre-tracked my workout after work and before my weigh in.  And I plan to be the best I have ever been this week.  I said that last week too.  The week before also.  But you know what....I can't let myself fall anymore.  I am the only one who is sabotaging myself.  I could say no to the bad things.  I could make time for workouts.  I always feel better, even if I have no time in the world, after a workout.  I need to get back into that mentality.  I need to start putting myself first.  I have definitely gotten away from doing that recently. 

So every month, the week before TOM comes to visit, I always get super emotional and super sensitive, either in a good way or in a bad way.  Last month it was a good way.  This month not so much.  And that is what I am experiencing right now.  I tend to let every little thing bother me, and everyone, and every stress and problem I have in the world seems to be sitting on my shoulders pushing me down right now.  I am stressed.  I feel like I am drowning and I can't seem to get back afloat with everything in my life right now, not just the weight loss part. 

I have a cousin, she is 17, and she is in her senior year in high school.  She is always posting on facebook about her day, whether she has a good day or a bad day.  Well yesterday, she posted something about friends, and how they say they are your friends, but in the end they really aren't.  I had to laugh.  Because although I understand how it feels, as I am sure everyone reading this can, when a friend or someone you thought you could trust turns on you, it hurts.  But I thought to myself, to be 17 again, and to think because one of your friends turned on you is the end of the world, I would soooo love to be back at that age and think that was the most stressful thing you will ever encounter.  Because this girl gave her a dirty look, her whole life is in turmoil.  Man, if she only knew.  And she will.  But for now, I would love for that to be my biggest concern in life.  Ahhh...the days. 

So about my dating life....hmmm.... complicated.  The guy I talked about last time turned out to be a jerk.  He went out with my friends and I for my birthday, and the next day after everyone posted pictures of him and I on face book, and he was tagged in them, I guess his other girlfriend(s) found out and weren't to happy.  He eventually deleted his face book, and me not knowing why, found out about the other girls.  Oh well.  He was young.  I am not stupid.  I would have found out sooner or later. 

In that moment, I figured something out.  I am tired of investing so much time and energy and resources into one individual, to turn around and then be given treatment like that.  So I have decided to become a player.  Not really.  But decided to not put all my eggs in one basket.  They aren't, so why should I?  So I started dating again.  Nothing serious.  Just hanging out with guys, getting to know them.  Seeing where it goes.  A few have bumped themselves off the list, either by not putting in enough effort, or by me not being interested in them after meeting them.  I think I have a good bunch of guys going right now.  I am not becoming serious with any of them, but it's been nice doing the juggling act.  Sometimes I forget who I had which conversation with, but I tend to be OK in the end.  The only problem that it's been is time consuming.  I hardly hang out with my friends anymore.  I barely talk to my mom.  I never have time for me!  I think that's also a big contributor to the fact that I have fallen off the weight loss wagon.  Not that any of these guys are unsupportive, it's just hard to plan around when you have two-three dates a day trying to keep up with phone calls and texts...so I think I am going to drop a few of them, and keep it simple maybe like two or three guys that I can keep up with.  Then the more time passes, the more I can narrow it down, and then eventually end up with either nothing and starting over, or end up with one guy I really like.  Who knows.

Other than that, that's all that is going on.  I got my flight booked to Florida for my cruise.  I got my passport in the mail.  I am all set!  I am very excited!  Only about 5 1/2 weeks left.  Not to shabby.  Anyways, enough of me feeling sorry for myself.  I am going to try to be positive Patty for the rest of the day!  No Matter!

Robbing the craddle...07-24-12

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

To catch you up, especially on the Carson situation, let me first start by saying, don't worry, it's still over with him, it's been over, but there have just been some interesting developments in his story. One story I am hoping has ended for good, and that is not a book I want to re-read.

So we broke up, but we continued to talk here and there as friends. It made it super difficult for me to try and get over him, but it was hard because even through all the pain he caused, he was someone I had always confided my deepest darkest secrets to and I considered a friend. I mean really, with friends like that who needs enemies lol. I have another situation that I am going through personally, which I won't get into, but he was one of the very few people that was aware of it, and actually wanted to help me to fix it, so it made me feel a little lost when we broke up, thinking omg I am really alone in this now. That made it rough. So we continued to talk, and fight, and talk more, and then we would talk about getting back together, we didn't and won't but we would talk about it, and then we would fight because I would bring everything from the past up, because it wasn't something that I could forgive and forget anymore, it was real this time.

So I have told you all about my best friend Jayson before. He was my very first boyfriend's best friend, and when we broke up, my story to everyone is that I got custody of Jayson, which is basically the truth. So we laugh about it now, but after the next situation happened, I really began to think. See Carson has his best friend living with him. The guy was going through a divorce and Carson invited him to stay with him and help pay rent. His name is JW (jaydubb), and we have always gotten along really well. Everytime I would go over to Carson's house JW and I would talk and talk about life. I would help him in his girl problems, and he would talk to me about my weight loss and working out. Several times, Carson and I would be mad at each other, not talking and so JW and I would talk and Carson would get so mad, but I thought it was funny. So when Carson and I broke up, about a week later, I re-created my online dating website and I get a message from someone. I go online, look and realize it's JW...I was like what the heck. We started talking, he told me that even though Carson and I are through, he would still like to remain friends and work out together sometime. So that Monday we went and worked out. It was fun, I like the dude, he is from the south and a bit country and makes me laugh. We didn't bring Carson up at all and it was nice. But, then Carson threw a fit. Straight up started talking **** , and I had even texted him asking him if that was ok and he said sure, but he obviously didn't like it. And like a coworker told me, would I like it if he did it with me, no, but he is a jerk and I don't really care lol. So we have completely stopped talking, cut off all communication, online and I have blocked him on my phone. It's really for the best lol.

Now, on to my robbing the craddle story. So I had this guy message me on the online dating website, telling me he was super interested in me, and that he would like to get to know me. I looked at his profile, first his pictures were AMAZING...the hottest guy who has every messaged me before, I was blown away. But then I saw his age. 23. I am 28, about to be 29. Not a huge difference but still a 29 year old and a 23 year old's goals and interests are far from being the same. Most people I know at that age are looking to party all the time and drink and sleep late, I was just like ughh when I saw that, cause he was super cute. So I wrote back to him and said sure lets get to know each other, and we started talking, and I figured out we actually did have a lot in common.

We work out a lot and at the same gym sometimes. He told me he doesn't party very much and likes to just hang out watching movies, which I like to do as well. The first time was last Thursday at the gym. My friend and I were there working out when he and I were trying to coordinate meeting each other through texting each other, and I see him standing outside when my friend and I are about to leave, and I looked at him through the window, looked at her and was like oh heck no. He started to walk in the gym, I turned around so he wouldn’t recognize me because he didn’t look a thing like his pictures. He looked short. And he was wearing his gym clothes and did not look at all cute, and had absolutely no swag lol. My friend was like Brittany, give him a chance and I was like no, this is the exact reason why I end up going back to Carson. She was like you are never going to know if you don’t give him a chance. I was like fine, so he called and I told him he had walked by me, and then he came outside, because by then he had walked in, and we walked out. He came up and gave me this huge hug, and we started talking. See, I can be a bit of a smart a** at times. Well all the time…lol. But I started to test the waters while talking to him outside the gym if he could take me being a smart a**, and he took it like a trooper and even spit it back at me. I loved it! And, he wasn’t short. He was actually pretty tall and quite cute up close. So we just said our hi’s and bye’s, and then went our separate ways.

That night we talked and set a plan to have our first on Friday. So Friday comes, and the problem is that he is in the military and just got stationed here, and they haven’t shipped his vehicle yet so I would have to go get him. So I went and picked him up, he asked me what I wanted to eat,and told him that I really wanted pizza, but I can’t order pizza for just myself because I end up either eating all of it, or feeling horrible for throwing everything but the two pieces I eat out. He suggested getting a pizza and then watching movies at my place. So we went and ordered the pizza, and sat there at the Pizza Hut waiting for it to get done, just talking and laughing up a storm. He makes me laugh so hard. So then we went back to my place and ate and watched a movie. We talked a little and then I took him home, along with the left over pizza for him to eat later.

Sunday I had invited him to dinner, but he said he couldn’t but suggested Monday. So Monday rolled around, and I never mentioned it, seeing if he would, and he did, asking if he was going to get to see me and I said of course. So I picked him up, and we went back to my place where I cooked him dinner, and this is the thing with younger guys, they are very inexperienced in the dating/real world that anything I do extra he thinks I just hung the moon, he just thought my 15 minute thrown together spaghetti was amazing, phenomenal even. I laughed silently, but was really happy that he was so grateful. He even asked if he could take the rest home because it was so good.

He is leaving this weekend to go out of town on military drills for three weeks. His birthday is August 11, so I am not sure if I should try to do something for him before he goes, or just let it go by. When he is gone, he won’t have access to phones or computers so I won’t see him until way after (my thought was just to send him an e-card, but he won’t get it), which is closer to my birthday on August 28th. It’s so new, we haven’t even established anything serious between us, just dating, but honestly I expect him to not necessarily buy me a present for my b-day but to be there when my friends and I go to celebrate. We have another date planned for Friday. I am hoping to see him between now and then but if not, I am excited about Friday. I need ideas/suggestions on what I should do. I really like this guy, so hopefully things go well. Here is to hoping right?

10 Random Facts About Me...07-11-12

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I am so jumping on the band wagon. I love jumping on the band wagon, lol. So here we go with 10 Random Facts About Me...

1. I have the wierdest and oddest(don't know if that is a word or not) sleeping rituals known to man kind. Well wierdest and oddest getting ready for sleeping, rituals. I have to make sure I go pee, because if not, I will wake up one more extra time during the night than I already do to go pee, and I already do that enough. I have to take my contacts out. I then walk in to my bedroom, turn my light on, plug my cell phone in to charge, set both my alarm clock and alarm clock on my phone for the time I need to get up in the morning making sure to set them at least 10 minutes apart from each other, make my bed, turn my bed down, change my clothes, grab my humidifier tank, fill my humidifier tank, plug it in, turn the tv on, go take my night medicine, go back to my bedroom, sit on my bed, watch tv for exactly five minutes, grab the vick's vapor rub, lather it on my lips and nose, crawl into bed, watch tv for a max of 30 minutes and then fall asleep. Yeah it's kind of weird. Don't ask..lol

2. I am sure I have mentioned this before, but I have OCD. I can pretty much contain it for the most part but there are certain instances where it just comes out full force and I freak out. When my feet and hands get dirty, touching dirty stuff, public restrooms, drinking from glasses, etc.

3. I can not remember a time that I have not been overweight. I remember in high school shopping for school clothes and being a size 24 already, I think I was a freshman. I honestly, for the life of me, think I am smaller now than I have been in at least 15 years or more. And I am only 28.

4. My favorite color is orange. And I pronounce that as Orreeenngggeee. People make fun of me for it but I can't help it!

5. I have naturally curly hair. It is the bane of my existence, because it literally frizzes out and looks like a fro if I don't have product in it. I love it because it's pretty easy to do in the morning, but if I just want to wake up and go, that's not an option, a shower is nescessary to control it's madness.

6. I am an only child by my mother. The youngest of three of my father, that I know about. lol...And of those two older siblings, my brother who is the oldest is 12 years older, and my sister 11 years older. My brother is adopted, and I also have two cousins who are also adopted.

7. I was born with brown eyes, and until the age of 16 had brown eyes. Now, for some odd reason they seem to shift colors depending on my mood and level of tiredness. When I am mad or fully rested, they are brown. When I am sad or depressed, hazel. When I am super tired they are full on green eyes. They mostly stay hazel or green.

8. I have been scuba diving off the coast of Mexico, I have been Sky Diving in Arizona and bungee jumping over the highest suspended bridge in America in Colorado. I love adventure, however when I went to Six Flags at age 25, I was already at my biggest weight by then and I was super embarrassed cause I had to get off several rides because I coudln't fit. I want to be able to ride the rides again.

9. I absolutely love Justin Bieber. I have a pillow with his picture, a calendar, all of his cd's including his newest one and he is now over the age of 18 and legal.

10. My favorite song is Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby. I have it on CD and try to listen to it every day because it makes me in a great mood. I know most every word and can rap it with the best of them.

Well I hope you enjoyed this! It's been fun!

McFlurrie for 17 points....really? 06-29-12

Friday, June 29, 2012

I am sooooo mad right now. At myself! My boss bought all the staff McFlurries today and before calculating the points on it, I figured it looks like a small enough size, no big deal. Wrong. 17 points. I literally just broke down crying in my office right now because I am so mad at myself for that. It's not even just that. I gained this past Tuesday, and I expected it, but it still sucked. But you would think that would light a fire under me to get motivated becasue I had this huge goal of reaching 100lbs by July 4th, and that isn't going to happen now. Yesterday, for dinner, here is what I had. Two peices of double pepporoni pizza and a hot dog without the bun, and a diet cherry limeade, and a klondike bar...39 points. My daily is only 44. I did go to the gym, but I am just like how the heck can I do this to myself.

I know it's that tom, and I am sure is why I am so emotional, but I can not express to you how mad and angry I am at myself right now. Going into the weekend is even worse because I have a huge weekend going on with I am sure some very decadent eating going on. Plus vacation next week of camping. I feel like I am spiraling out of control right now and I don't know how to stop myself.

I have stopped crying now...and I am officially off to lunch now. I have to take it easy for sure on what I eat. UGHHHH I just feel like yelling.

What the heck was I thinking 06-26-12

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I know most of my blogs are centrally surrounded around my dating life, but today is going to be about my weight loss. I am seriously self sabotaging myself lately, and it only has been happening on the weekends. I am kicking myself right now. The last two weeks I have completely and uterly dropped off the WW plan. I try, really hard, but it doesn't help and in fact I am good until Friday night/Saturday night comes around. I can always make really good breakfast and lunch decisions, but when it comes to dinners, which I am guessing is due to the fact that they are primarily social dinners, I totally mess up. I am out with other people, and they are ordering this amazing food and I want what they are having and I give in to my temptation. I could even go as far as just eating half, or getting a lighter version but nope, I go for the full fat, full plate, fill me up until I am miserable....and then dessert.

Tonight I weigh in, and I am prepared for a gain. I gained 1lb last week, and this is completely messing with my wanting to reach my 100lb mark by the 4th of July...that's not going to happen. I am just disappointed in myself and I can't help but sulk about it lol. Well, I am off to the gym, so wish me luck! I will keep you posted on my WI....

Until next time....