Absent

I have totally been absent....not only from my blogs, but tracking, entering my weight, watching what I eat, exercising....pretty much everything that has helped me lose weight in the past has gone out the window.  And to be completely honest, not even just with the weight loss side of things, with life in general.  I have become, with no better words that come to mind, ehhhh.  Why?  I am being lazy.  I know why, I just don’t feel like doing this anymore, not life but just doing this whole weight loss thing anymore.  I hate having to watch what I eat when everyone around me is eating everything I want.  I hate feeling left out.  I want to be able to go out to dinner and eat the burger and fries instead of chicken salad with no dressing.  I want to be able to enjoy all the holiday wonderfulness like cookies and cakes etc.  I am just being completely unreasonable in my wants, when I don’t NEED any of it. 

I feel like I am lost and need help to be found.  I have been yo-yoing for the past three months.  It’s crazy looking back on the past few month’s weigh ins, I would gain, lose, gain, gain, lose.  I am never consistent.  It’s frustrating looking back.  I have wasted so much time.  It’s ridiculous.  It’s unnecessary is what it is.  I am so mad at myself.  I am the only one to blame for it also.  This is one of those times where you want to be able to blame someone else but really, I am the only one.  Have you heard that saying that the true definition of being insane is when you keep trying to do the same thing and don’t change anything so you end up with the same results?  Yeah…I need to change something!  I need a plan.

So here it is…my plan to get back on track!

1.       Start weighing and measuring every food!

2.       Track! Track! Track! Track! I think I am even going to do manual and online tracking. 

3.       Get my butt back to the gym…no excuses!!!

4.       Stop allowing what others are doing to influence my choices and decisions.

5.       Remember the joy it feels when you see the losses on the scale!

So what has been going on in my life....A LOT!!!!  Let me try to catch you up.  Where should I start? So last time we talked, I was dating a lot of guys all at the same time.  Well I have stopped that.  It was the easiest thing to do.  Why?  Because I met someone who made it easy.  Someone who walked into my life, like a breath of fresh air, and made me want to give up the other guys.  All my friends would ask why are you dating so many guys at once and I was like because none of them have everything I want in one guy.  This guy has everything I want!  They also asked when I was going to stop.  I always told them that there was going to be someone out there that was going to make me want to.  And I was right!

We met online…of course.  That’s how I meet everyone I dated.  I messaged him first, I think he had just recently opened up his account, I am not sure.  But I messaged him telling him that I liked what his profile said and if he was interested in getting to know me better to let me know.  He replied back saying he was definitely interested.  We started talking and then we exchanged phone numbers, he was on his way to the gym.  He told me his name was James.  So I get this text from a number I don’t recognize later in the evening and he was like hey this is Lee.  I was thinking OMG….the guy that I dated in college was named Lee and he and I didn’t end in good terms.  Also on that note, his best friend had recently just found me on the same dating website and he and I were talking, just to catch up and I had asked him not to tell my ex because I did not want him to be a part of my life, he was from my past and no need to bring him into my future.  So I was freaking out and responded with ummm ok.  Then he was like oh my bad, this is James, my last name is Lee and I am used to all my friends calling me that (because he was in the military), and I am just now trying to switch over to being called by my first name.  Whewww…that was a relief.  So we talked for a few days and then we had our first date.  He planned the whole thing.  We went to dinner, then a movie, we got frozen yogurt and drove to this place called scenic drive which overlooks the city.  It was the best date ever!!!!

He went with me to one of my friends’ birthday parties.  All my friends LOVED him.  Things were going great.  We spent almost every day together.  It was so nice.  Then…here comes the kicker….we decided to move in together.  He moved in with me.  We got all of his stuff in, well most of it; we put a lot in storage and a lot of my stuff in storage.  He moved in about two weeks before my cruise. 

By the way, my cruise was AMAZING!!!!  I ate entirely too much, had entirely too much fun, but it was all worth it.  I had a blast.  We went to the Caribbean, so we went to St. Thomas, USVI, Antigua, West Indies, Tortola, BVI, and Nassau Bahamas.  I got really sunburned, and even got sun poisoning, but it was all worth it.  I wish I was back there right now!  I even found a guy in Antigua that chased me around the whole time telling me he wanted to marry me because he loves American Fluffy Divas. 

Things with James have been really well.  This is a very new experience for me.  One, I have never lived with a boyfriend before.  And two, I have never lived with anyone other than my family before.  I have massive OCD, and I was really scared by him moving in it was going to cause a lot of problems.  Really, it hasn’t been bad.  There are a few things here and there, but overall we get along really well, and he is super easy going so that makes things a lot easier.  He helps clean and he takes out the trash.  I cook because he doesn’t know how, and that makes things easier because he will eat anything I cook, so I can cook healthy.  Where we get in trouble is the eating out part.  He LOVES wings!  So do I!!!  So we tend to have those a lot when we shouldn’t.  But he is super supportive of my weight loss endeavors. 

What is refreshing is the fact that I feel like this is truly a real relationship.  With all the other guys there was always so much drama and fighting and things going on that we never had the “real” relationship part.  I love spending time with him.  He is slowly becoming my best friend.  We talk about everything!  We go to dinner, or we go to the movies or Walmart, anywhere, we go as a couple and it’s nice.  We also still continue to lead our separate lives as well.  I hang out with my friends, he plays football.  I watch tv, he plays his playstation.  We aren’t so intertwined that we don’t have our separate identity’s, but we still spend a lot of time together.  Next weekend we are going snowboarding.  I have never been.  He loves it and has gone several times and even has his own gear.  I am pretty excited. 

So yesterday was weigh in.  I missed last week’s weigh in so I was fully prepared for a huge gain.  Luckily, it wasn’t bad.  I actually lost weight!  I think I am getting on track, and it feels good.  Tonight my best friend Jayson is coming over for dinner and to hang out with James and I.  I am going to make spaghetti with meatballs.  The healthy version!  LOL!

Well I hope this caught everyone up!  Until next time….

Update 7-31-12

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

So I wanted to update you all with some exciting news about what's going on in my life. So my cousin is a professional poker player and she went to Las Vegas a few months ago and came in second in the world series of poker games. She won a cruise to the Bahamas. She can take one person with her and she asked me if I would go with her. I am so excited. We are going in November for eight days. I had also bought this dress as an incentive for the weight loss, and it's in like a size that I didn't think I would ever fit into, and it's been in my closet for months. Out of the blue this past weekend I tried it on. It not only fits, but is to big in some places. I was super happy, and the fact that I am more than likely going to wear it on my upcoming birthday makes me even happier. My mom is coming this weekend to go through my closet with me to help taylor some of my clothes. They are all falling off me, and I can't afford right now to go on a shopping spree, I want to wait until goal. I buy a few things here and there but I don't want to overdo it.

So to update you on the young guy, we will call him Charlie Bollocks. We ended up working out together on Thursday and then on Friday ended up going on a date. It went really well. We went back to my apartment and were standing in my kitchen talking, mind you we had both had a couple drinks at that point, and he gave me this huge hug and said he was going to miss me while he was gone. I told him I was going to miss him to and that I was worried he would forget about me while he was gone. He then said how could he forget about his girlfriend and I would be the first person he called when he got home. I said girlfriend? And he was like yup, I like you a lot and like spending time with you and I want to be with you. I mean really, who is going to pass something like that up? Saturday we watched movies all day and then I took him to work that night at 12:30am to leave out of town on military training for a month. It's only day 3 and it's super hard already. I think the worst part is that there is no electronics allowed, so no emails, texts or phone calls.

So I have a question to anybody out there, it doesn't matter if your single, married, whatever, but did you or do you google anybody that you date or have in your life? I ask because I do, and have never thought of this as abnormal, but a situation came up where it came into question. I googled Charlie. Of course after finding out the nescessary stuff I would need to find him on google, I searched and came across a few things. He had told me his name was Charlie Bollocks, and he had sent me a picture of him in his military uniform that had his last name as Delgado. So I searched for Charlie Bollocks Delgado, and came across the fact that his name is actually Kevin Delgado, but he goes by Charlie Bollocks. I figured there had to be a reason why he wasn't telling me his real name, so I was going to let him tell me and not confront him about it. I also found some minor things of no importance that he had bought some items off amazon and reviewed them and that he likes devient art and has a website dedicated to it, and actually is pretty good from what I saw.

So on Friday we were talking and something came up and he was like well my real name isn't Charlie Bollocks it's Kevin Delgado. Instead of saying ok, I said I know. He got super weirded out that I had googled him and what I found and after explaining to me that the reason for the name thing is because he is a Jr. and his father has done some pretty bad things and he was in the process of changing his name and joined the military which is next to impossible to change your name after you join. Understandable. But he got super weirded out that I googled him. Is this normal for people to google or am I just abnormal in thinking it's normal? What are your thoughts?

Well...I have weigh in today. Wish me luck! Heres hoping to one more step closer to the 100lb mark!

I am in a funk...

So as the title states, I am in a funk.  I don't know why.  I don't know how it started.  But it seems like ever since I hit my 100lb mark, everything has gone downhill.  Quickly.  I was so motivated to meet my goal that once I did, I think I have just given up.  Don't get me wrong, I still tend to watch what I eat.  Not close at all.  I don't measure, I don't count points, I don't think about the consequences anymore.  But at least when I am making food choices, I am trying to make smarter ones than the worst you could possibly make.  I was still working out.  Was in the past tense.  I haven't been to the gym since Friday.  That helped me not gain as much weight over the last four weeks as I should have, but now I have completely given up and abandoned that.

I have started anew today.  I so far have tracked everything I have eaten.  Pre-tracked my workout after work and before my weigh in.  And I plan to be the best I have ever been this week.  I said that last week too.  The week before also.  But you know what....I can't let myself fall anymore.  I am the only one who is sabotaging myself.  I could say no to the bad things.  I could make time for workouts.  I always feel better, even if I have no time in the world, after a workout.  I need to get back into that mentality.  I need to start putting myself first.  I have definitely gotten away from doing that recently. 

So every month, the week before TOM comes to visit, I always get super emotional and super sensitive, either in a good way or in a bad way.  Last month it was a good way.  This month not so much.  And that is what I am experiencing right now.  I tend to let every little thing bother me, and everyone, and every stress and problem I have in the world seems to be sitting on my shoulders pushing me down right now.  I am stressed.  I feel like I am drowning and I can't seem to get back afloat with everything in my life right now, not just the weight loss part. 

I have a cousin, she is 17, and she is in her senior year in high school.  She is always posting on facebook about her day, whether she has a good day or a bad day.  Well yesterday, she posted something about friends, and how they say they are your friends, but in the end they really aren't.  I had to laugh.  Because although I understand how it feels, as I am sure everyone reading this can, when a friend or someone you thought you could trust turns on you, it hurts.  But I thought to myself, to be 17 again, and to think because one of your friends turned on you is the end of the world, I would soooo love to be back at that age and think that was the most stressful thing you will ever encounter.  Because this girl gave her a dirty look, her whole life is in turmoil.  Man, if she only knew.  And she will.  But for now, I would love for that to be my biggest concern in life.  Ahhh...the days. 

So about my dating life....hmmm.... complicated.  The guy I talked about last time turned out to be a jerk.  He went out with my friends and I for my birthday, and the next day after everyone posted pictures of him and I on face book, and he was tagged in them, I guess his other girlfriend(s) found out and weren't to happy.  He eventually deleted his face book, and me not knowing why, found out about the other girls.  Oh well.  He was young.  I am not stupid.  I would have found out sooner or later. 

In that moment, I figured something out.  I am tired of investing so much time and energy and resources into one individual, to turn around and then be given treatment like that.  So I have decided to become a player.  Not really.  But decided to not put all my eggs in one basket.  They aren't, so why should I?  So I started dating again.  Nothing serious.  Just hanging out with guys, getting to know them.  Seeing where it goes.  A few have bumped themselves off the list, either by not putting in enough effort, or by me not being interested in them after meeting them.  I think I have a good bunch of guys going right now.  I am not becoming serious with any of them, but it's been nice doing the juggling act.  Sometimes I forget who I had which conversation with, but I tend to be OK in the end.  The only problem that it's been is time consuming.  I hardly hang out with my friends anymore.  I barely talk to my mom.  I never have time for me!  I think that's also a big contributor to the fact that I have fallen off the weight loss wagon.  Not that any of these guys are unsupportive, it's just hard to plan around when you have two-three dates a day trying to keep up with phone calls and texts...so I think I am going to drop a few of them, and keep it simple maybe like two or three guys that I can keep up with.  Then the more time passes, the more I can narrow it down, and then eventually end up with either nothing and starting over, or end up with one guy I really like.  Who knows.

Other than that, that's all that is going on.  I got my flight booked to Florida for my cruise.  I got my passport in the mail.  I am all set!  I am very excited!  Only about 5 1/2 weeks left.  Not to shabby.  Anyways, enough of me feeling sorry for myself.  I am going to try to be positive Patty for the rest of the day!  No Matter!

Robbing the craddle...07-24-12

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

To catch you up, especially on the Carson situation, let me first start by saying, don't worry, it's still over with him, it's been over, but there have just been some interesting developments in his story. One story I am hoping has ended for good, and that is not a book I want to re-read.

So we broke up, but we continued to talk here and there as friends. It made it super difficult for me to try and get over him, but it was hard because even through all the pain he caused, he was someone I had always confided my deepest darkest secrets to and I considered a friend. I mean really, with friends like that who needs enemies lol. I have another situation that I am going through personally, which I won't get into, but he was one of the very few people that was aware of it, and actually wanted to help me to fix it, so it made me feel a little lost when we broke up, thinking omg I am really alone in this now. That made it rough. So we continued to talk, and fight, and talk more, and then we would talk about getting back together, we didn't and won't but we would talk about it, and then we would fight because I would bring everything from the past up, because it wasn't something that I could forgive and forget anymore, it was real this time.

So I have told you all about my best friend Jayson before. He was my very first boyfriend's best friend, and when we broke up, my story to everyone is that I got custody of Jayson, which is basically the truth. So we laugh about it now, but after the next situation happened, I really began to think. See Carson has his best friend living with him. The guy was going through a divorce and Carson invited him to stay with him and help pay rent. His name is JW (jaydubb), and we have always gotten along really well. Everytime I would go over to Carson's house JW and I would talk and talk about life. I would help him in his girl problems, and he would talk to me about my weight loss and working out. Several times, Carson and I would be mad at each other, not talking and so JW and I would talk and Carson would get so mad, but I thought it was funny. So when Carson and I broke up, about a week later, I re-created my online dating website and I get a message from someone. I go online, look and realize it's JW...I was like what the heck. We started talking, he told me that even though Carson and I are through, he would still like to remain friends and work out together sometime. So that Monday we went and worked out. It was fun, I like the dude, he is from the south and a bit country and makes me laugh. We didn't bring Carson up at all and it was nice. But, then Carson threw a fit. Straight up started talking **** , and I had even texted him asking him if that was ok and he said sure, but he obviously didn't like it. And like a coworker told me, would I like it if he did it with me, no, but he is a jerk and I don't really care lol. So we have completely stopped talking, cut off all communication, online and I have blocked him on my phone. It's really for the best lol.

Now, on to my robbing the craddle story. So I had this guy message me on the online dating website, telling me he was super interested in me, and that he would like to get to know me. I looked at his profile, first his pictures were AMAZING...the hottest guy who has every messaged me before, I was blown away. But then I saw his age. 23. I am 28, about to be 29. Not a huge difference but still a 29 year old and a 23 year old's goals and interests are far from being the same. Most people I know at that age are looking to party all the time and drink and sleep late, I was just like ughh when I saw that, cause he was super cute. So I wrote back to him and said sure lets get to know each other, and we started talking, and I figured out we actually did have a lot in common.

We work out a lot and at the same gym sometimes. He told me he doesn't party very much and likes to just hang out watching movies, which I like to do as well. The first time was last Thursday at the gym. My friend and I were there working out when he and I were trying to coordinate meeting each other through texting each other, and I see him standing outside when my friend and I are about to leave, and I looked at him through the window, looked at her and was like oh heck no. He started to walk in the gym, I turned around so he wouldn’t recognize me because he didn’t look a thing like his pictures. He looked short. And he was wearing his gym clothes and did not look at all cute, and had absolutely no swag lol. My friend was like Brittany, give him a chance and I was like no, this is the exact reason why I end up going back to Carson. She was like you are never going to know if you don’t give him a chance. I was like fine, so he called and I told him he had walked by me, and then he came outside, because by then he had walked in, and we walked out. He came up and gave me this huge hug, and we started talking. See, I can be a bit of a smart a** at times. Well all the time…lol. But I started to test the waters while talking to him outside the gym if he could take me being a smart a**, and he took it like a trooper and even spit it back at me. I loved it! And, he wasn’t short. He was actually pretty tall and quite cute up close. So we just said our hi’s and bye’s, and then went our separate ways.

That night we talked and set a plan to have our first on Friday. So Friday comes, and the problem is that he is in the military and just got stationed here, and they haven’t shipped his vehicle yet so I would have to go get him. So I went and picked him up, he asked me what I wanted to eat,and told him that I really wanted pizza, but I can’t order pizza for just myself because I end up either eating all of it, or feeling horrible for throwing everything but the two pieces I eat out. He suggested getting a pizza and then watching movies at my place. So we went and ordered the pizza, and sat there at the Pizza Hut waiting for it to get done, just talking and laughing up a storm. He makes me laugh so hard. So then we went back to my place and ate and watched a movie. We talked a little and then I took him home, along with the left over pizza for him to eat later.

Sunday I had invited him to dinner, but he said he couldn’t but suggested Monday. So Monday rolled around, and I never mentioned it, seeing if he would, and he did, asking if he was going to get to see me and I said of course. So I picked him up, and we went back to my place where I cooked him dinner, and this is the thing with younger guys, they are very inexperienced in the dating/real world that anything I do extra he thinks I just hung the moon, he just thought my 15 minute thrown together spaghetti was amazing, phenomenal even. I laughed silently, but was really happy that he was so grateful. He even asked if he could take the rest home because it was so good.

He is leaving this weekend to go out of town on military drills for three weeks. His birthday is August 11, so I am not sure if I should try to do something for him before he goes, or just let it go by. When he is gone, he won’t have access to phones or computers so I won’t see him until way after (my thought was just to send him an e-card, but he won’t get it), which is closer to my birthday on August 28th. It’s so new, we haven’t even established anything serious between us, just dating, but honestly I expect him to not necessarily buy me a present for my b-day but to be there when my friends and I go to celebrate. We have another date planned for Friday. I am hoping to see him between now and then but if not, I am excited about Friday. I need ideas/suggestions on what I should do. I really like this guy, so hopefully things go well. Here is to hoping right?

10 Random Facts About Me...07-11-12

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I am so jumping on the band wagon. I love jumping on the band wagon, lol. So here we go with 10 Random Facts About Me...

1. I have the wierdest and oddest(don't know if that is a word or not) sleeping rituals known to man kind. Well wierdest and oddest getting ready for sleeping, rituals. I have to make sure I go pee, because if not, I will wake up one more extra time during the night than I already do to go pee, and I already do that enough. I have to take my contacts out. I then walk in to my bedroom, turn my light on, plug my cell phone in to charge, set both my alarm clock and alarm clock on my phone for the time I need to get up in the morning making sure to set them at least 10 minutes apart from each other, make my bed, turn my bed down, change my clothes, grab my humidifier tank, fill my humidifier tank, plug it in, turn the tv on, go take my night medicine, go back to my bedroom, sit on my bed, watch tv for exactly five minutes, grab the vick's vapor rub, lather it on my lips and nose, crawl into bed, watch tv for a max of 30 minutes and then fall asleep. Yeah it's kind of weird. Don't ask..lol

2. I am sure I have mentioned this before, but I have OCD. I can pretty much contain it for the most part but there are certain instances where it just comes out full force and I freak out. When my feet and hands get dirty, touching dirty stuff, public restrooms, drinking from glasses, etc.

3. I can not remember a time that I have not been overweight. I remember in high school shopping for school clothes and being a size 24 already, I think I was a freshman. I honestly, for the life of me, think I am smaller now than I have been in at least 15 years or more. And I am only 28.

4. My favorite color is orange. And I pronounce that as Orreeenngggeee. People make fun of me for it but I can't help it!

5. I have naturally curly hair. It is the bane of my existence, because it literally frizzes out and looks like a fro if I don't have product in it. I love it because it's pretty easy to do in the morning, but if I just want to wake up and go, that's not an option, a shower is nescessary to control it's madness.

6. I am an only child by my mother. The youngest of three of my father, that I know about. lol...And of those two older siblings, my brother who is the oldest is 12 years older, and my sister 11 years older. My brother is adopted, and I also have two cousins who are also adopted.

7. I was born with brown eyes, and until the age of 16 had brown eyes. Now, for some odd reason they seem to shift colors depending on my mood and level of tiredness. When I am mad or fully rested, they are brown. When I am sad or depressed, hazel. When I am super tired they are full on green eyes. They mostly stay hazel or green.

8. I have been scuba diving off the coast of Mexico, I have been Sky Diving in Arizona and bungee jumping over the highest suspended bridge in America in Colorado. I love adventure, however when I went to Six Flags at age 25, I was already at my biggest weight by then and I was super embarrassed cause I had to get off several rides because I coudln't fit. I want to be able to ride the rides again.

9. I absolutely love Justin Bieber. I have a pillow with his picture, a calendar, all of his cd's including his newest one and he is now over the age of 18 and legal.

10. My favorite song is Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby. I have it on CD and try to listen to it every day because it makes me in a great mood. I know most every word and can rap it with the best of them.

Well I hope you enjoyed this! It's been fun!

McFlurrie for 17 points....really? 06-29-12

Friday, June 29, 2012

I am sooooo mad right now. At myself! My boss bought all the staff McFlurries today and before calculating the points on it, I figured it looks like a small enough size, no big deal. Wrong. 17 points. I literally just broke down crying in my office right now because I am so mad at myself for that. It's not even just that. I gained this past Tuesday, and I expected it, but it still sucked. But you would think that would light a fire under me to get motivated becasue I had this huge goal of reaching 100lbs by July 4th, and that isn't going to happen now. Yesterday, for dinner, here is what I had. Two peices of double pepporoni pizza and a hot dog without the bun, and a diet cherry limeade, and a klondike bar...39 points. My daily is only 44. I did go to the gym, but I am just like how the heck can I do this to myself.

I know it's that tom, and I am sure is why I am so emotional, but I can not express to you how mad and angry I am at myself right now. Going into the weekend is even worse because I have a huge weekend going on with I am sure some very decadent eating going on. Plus vacation next week of camping. I feel like I am spiraling out of control right now and I don't know how to stop myself.

I have stopped crying now...and I am officially off to lunch now. I have to take it easy for sure on what I eat. UGHHHH I just feel like yelling.

What the heck was I thinking 06-26-12

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I know most of my blogs are centrally surrounded around my dating life, but today is going to be about my weight loss. I am seriously self sabotaging myself lately, and it only has been happening on the weekends. I am kicking myself right now. The last two weeks I have completely and uterly dropped off the WW plan. I try, really hard, but it doesn't help and in fact I am good until Friday night/Saturday night comes around. I can always make really good breakfast and lunch decisions, but when it comes to dinners, which I am guessing is due to the fact that they are primarily social dinners, I totally mess up. I am out with other people, and they are ordering this amazing food and I want what they are having and I give in to my temptation. I could even go as far as just eating half, or getting a lighter version but nope, I go for the full fat, full plate, fill me up until I am miserable....and then dessert.

Tonight I weigh in, and I am prepared for a gain. I gained 1lb last week, and this is completely messing with my wanting to reach my 100lb mark by the 4th of July...that's not going to happen. I am just disappointed in myself and I can't help but sulk about it lol. Well, I am off to the gym, so wish me luck! I will keep you posted on my WI....

Until next time....

And I start over....

Just two weeks ago, I thought I was going to have to change my blog's name. I was trying to think of what to change it to, the thoughts of "No longer a single girl's journey of weight loss" came to mind, "Im FINALLY getting married" was also a choice, but my favorite was "I do, how I lost weight and found love". I know it's been a while since I have written a blog, and that is because a lot has been going on in my life. Your probably saying to yourself, wow I didn't even know she was dating anyone....well that's because I have kept things under wraps because I wasn't sure where it was going or leading to and wanted to let things just take their course, and eventually that's what everything did.

I have mentioned him several times in my blog, a guy named Carson. I know you are probably thinking to yourself OMG, because after everything I have been through with this guy, he was definately not deserving of a second, third, fourth, heck I lost count, chances. Your right, but something inside of me kept telling me to pursue it. And I did. Much to the dismay of my family and friends, and now much to the huge disappointment and hurt of myself. So here is how it went down.

After our breakup on New Year's Eve, when he and I had made plans to spend the evening together and then he texts me when I was minutes from his house to tell me he wanted to go out with his friends, we didn't speak to each other for six weeks. On Valentines day, he contacted me wishing me a Happy Valentines Day and that began the communication. We spent Valentines Day together and instantly fell into the same old pattern we once were. About a week after Valentines Day, I was on facebook, and noticed he had added a girl as his friend, so I started to look at her profile. She had posted a picture of him that, mind you, he had sent to me months prior, saying basically look at my hot man. I was like WTH?!?!....so I approached him about it and he flipped out saying he didn't control what other people posted on facebook, that they were just friends, and that there was nothing going on between them. I contacted her asking why she had the picture up, if there was more to it than just a friendship, and of course she didn't respond. He stopped talking to me for about a week, and then later, made me beg and grovle for his forgiveness because he made it seem like I was the crazy one for thinking that he was cheating/lying. We got over it and continued on in our relationship. Don't ask me why though, because hind sight is always 20/20 and I should have never continued, but I did.

Then something switched inside him. I don't know what it was, what caused it or what brought it on, but he was a different person. He started making dates with me. We would go out to dinner, go shopping, go for frozen yogurt, take drives, go grocery shopping, he would spend a lot of time at my house, and vice versa. It was different. It was different than anything we ever had before. It was like we were a real couple. I was making him breakfast and lunch when he would stay over at my house to take to work with him, he would do the same for me, and it was just a completely different experience than what we had before. I thought he was a changed man and I thought he had changed for the good and made our relationship change for the good. One night we went out to Sushi at this new very expensive place and he paid, which let me tell you was not normal for him. Normally, if we went out I paid, but nope, anytime we went out he was paying, even for the grocery shopping. Spending time with him was amazing and I couldn't have been happier. Now, I have mentioned before, but he is in the Army. So he had been telling me that he would be heading into the field for 5 weeks and he would be away, so we were trying to make the most out of our time together before he left. We spent a lot of time together which just made me the happiest girl alive. 

The weekend before he left to go into the field, we spent together.  We went out for a very nice date on Saturday and then Sunday I helped him pack and do laundry and then watched movies that night.  Before he left the next morning, he gave me a key to his house.  Told me to go over whenever I wanted, asked if I could watch over it while he was gone, and also check his mail.  So of course me, I wanted to snoop.  To see if I could find anything that I should be worried about.  My friend and I went over a couple days into him being in the field and searched his house.  The only thing incriminating that I found was a box of condoms in his bed side table that I knew were not for me, and had never been used on me.  They were not there when I repoed all his Christmas presents on New Year's Eve when we broke up, so they had to be recent.  It was a 12 pack with only 7 in there, 5 missing.  I was furious.  I was mad.  I was hurt.  I wanted to text him right then and there and ask him why he had them.  But I refrained because it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have through text.  So the next day I was talking to a friend from out of town and she told me something that really helped me.  She was like Brittany, you guys were broken up for six weeks.  He admitted to you that while you were broken up, he did see other people.  You were not an angel yourself.  At least give it to him that he was safe about it.  I agreed.  I couldn't be mad at him for the time we were broken up, all I could do was let it go and if any others came up missing, then that is when I could be mad.

So he was gone for exactly two weeks when he got to come home for the first time.  He was only home for the weekend and so I wanted to make the most out of it.  He got home Friday, and I was going to give him Friday to relax, regroup, and refresh before seeing him on Saturday.  Plus I already had plans to go to the gym, and hang out with my friend Jayson.  So Saturday, May 5, Cinco De Mayo, comes along and my family was coming into town to hang out and spend some time together.  I had asked what he was going to be doing during the day, thinking we would hang out later in the evening, and he said he had errands to run.  Perfect!  So my family left about 5pm, and I texted him to see what our plans were so I could get ready.  He said that he had a major migraine and was going to be staying in all night and he would come over to my apartment the next morning.  He got "migraines" quite often, and I understand what that is like so I wanted to give him his space.  So I ended up spending the evening by myself, and got quite bored.  Around 9:30pm, I decided to go for a drive.  This is something I would normally do, but I wanted to drive by his house.  If I saw the lights on I would stop and check on him to see if he was ok and if he needed anything.  So I get to his house about 10pm, and his truck isn't home.  Hmmm....why would he be gone at 10 at night?  That didn't make sense to me.  I texted him, he didn't respond.  So I have a key, I go into the house, and everything looks normal, no big deal, but I still couldn't figure out why he wouldn't be home.  Finally around 1030, I head home and go to bed.  The next morning I woke up, and texted him asking if he was still coming over.  He had a very bad habit in the past of making plans and not following through, so I just was verifying.  He said he would be still coming over in a few hours. 

So he showed up to my house about noon, and he said he was hungry.  We went to Bufallo Wild Wings for lunch and we had a great time.  He paid.  Again, I know this is something that should not be surprising but it was because of our previous history together.  Then we went for ice cream and then shopping because I needed a new pair of capris.  We came back to my apartment to watch a movie and we started talking.  I told him that the night before he said he had a migraine and I went by his house to check on him and he wasn't there.  He responded saying oh you went by around 930-1030?  I was like yeah how did you know and he was like because I woke up from a nap and decided to go out for a drive, which is something he and I had in common when we first started dating, that we liked about each other because that is what we do to clear our minds.  I didn't question it because he did give me a specific time for which he was gone, and it wasn't out of character.  I told him that I was glad he was honest with me and that I felt like I could approach him about it because in the past I wouldn't have, I would have just assumed and then blown up at him.  I felt like we got ten times more closer and connected on a deeper level than we ever did that day.  He did too.

He went back out into the field that Monday, and for the next three weeks, my life changed.  We grew more closer.  We talked more.  We didn't just talk, we communicated.  Wants, needs, visions for our future, everything.  It was amazing.  His boss, who is also a friend of mine because Carson had referred me to him when he needed a loan, invited us to Arizona to stay with him and his family for memorial day weekend.  I was so excited to be going on vacation with him, for the whole weekend.  We started planning for our vacation.  He then texted me about a week later to let me know that his boss had forgot to ask his wife before asking us along, and that we probably wouldn't be able to go.  Bummer.  But he said he would think of something else and surprise me.  So we still had plans for the weekend.  I told him that my mom's birthday was on that Thursday before memorial day and I wanted to be able to go see her in New Mexico to spend it with her and he was fine with that.  The Friday before he came home, which was May 18th, he and I had been texting each other all day, and I was busy at work and he knew that so when I pulled my work email up and saw I had gotten an email from him I was surprised.  Because he never emailed me at work one, and never emailed me period.  So I pulled it up, the subject line said I love you, and the body of the email said four words.

Will
You
Marry
Me?

I think I screamed.  I think I was in shock.  I was happy I know that.  I had a million and one thoughts going through my mind.  But the only thing I could type was YES!  He texted me and told me I made him the happiest man alive and that he was excited to spend the rest of our lives together.  I told him that of course I would marry him but if he was serious, he needed to buy a ring, and propose to me in person.  He said he would.  Over the next couple days, he had asked me if I had told anybody and I told him I had, which I did, I told my coworkers and friends and family.  I asked if he did and he said he told his mom.  He doesnt' have a close relationship with him mom so the fact that he told her was amazing to me.  He also told me stories about how he would be talking to someone and said "well my fiance this, my fiance that"....so I really was flattered that he was already calling me his fiance.  He told me that the day he got back from being in the field, which was Friday he wanted to take me out to a really nice dinner and celebrate.  He made reservations.  I was so excited.

That Friday was a VERY long day.  I woke up that morning and drove back to El Paso after spending the evening with my mom, I had taken Thursday-Monday as vacation from work to be able to spend with him.  I went to the gym when I got back into town and then headed home to pack for our romatinc weekend together and he called me.  He said he just got back to base, and had an hour for lunch before he needed to head back to get more soldiers from the field and wanted to know if I wanted to have lunch with him.  So I went and had lunch with him, it was very nice of him.  So then I went home and packed and went to his house.  They were running late because they had equipment to bring in so he didn't end up getting home until about 7:30 that night.  Our reservation was for 830, and it was a good 30 minute drive to the restaurant.  So he got in the shower and I watched tv while finishing getting ready myself. 

He got out of the shower and the door bell rang.  I thought it was the tv, but he left the room to go answer it.  After a while he returned, slamming the door very angrily.  I asked who it was at the door and he said it was his ex girlfriend.  What?!?!?  Why would your ex girlfriend be showing up the day you get out of the field and why would she even need to show up.  Didn't make sense.  He proceeded to tell me that they were arguing and she slapped him, and then he hit her back.  WHAT?!?!?  He said she was calling the cops.  OMG...are you serious?  I asked which ex girlfriend it was, why she showed up, etc etc because it just made absolutely no sense to me.  So the cops show up and automatically assume it was him and I that were fighting.  After assuring them it wasn't us, he told them that it was his ex girlfriend.  They started getting all the information when the next door neighbor came over saying she witnessed the whole thing.  So then the officer asked who I was, and he said, oh that is my GIRLFRIEND....after so many times of him telling me he told other people I was his fiance.  I was quick to correct him.  I guess the ex had left so the police asked for her information and he told them she lives in Las Cruces (which is about an hour away) and that she drove a white Chrysler 300.  Ok...when he and I first started dating, the same thing happened, with the same chick one night when he got out of the field.  Except that night I left and broke up with him for two weeks over it.  So I am thinking to myself what the heck does she still need to talk to him about because this was over a year ago that it originally happened.  I was shocked.  The neighbor told the cops that Carson had just defended himself so he was good and the cops left.  We ended up leaving to go to dinner around 9pm.  I tried getting more information from him but it just wasn't happening so I decided to give up and just enjoy my dinner.  It was very nice and very romantic.  We went home and went to bed. 

The next morning we started getting ready to go out of town and he was packing his bag and I decided to bring up the condoms.  Just so he knew I knew they were there.  All I expected him to answer was oh I got those from when we were broken up, end of story and I would have let it go.  But no.  He made me feel so stupid.  He was like they are condoms, when I asked what they were, and I said I knew what they were, but what are they for and he said most people use them for protection.  Duh...I know that, but he just got increasingly irritable the more and more I pressed him about it and then walked out of the room.  I decided to drop it but I was so mad.  So mad that it put me in a horrible mood for the rest of the day.  Finally later that night when we were on our way to dinner at the hot springs we stayed at I brought it up again.  Again same thing.  So we left that Sunday to go home and we were both irritable and wasn't really talking.  Then we started having a conversation about his exes.  Not a good conversation to have.   He kept saying things to the effect of oh she was the one but she screwed it up, or she was the last girl I ever was in a relationship where I didn't cheat, etc.  I was mad.  Why are you telling me this?  So he realized I didn't like the conversation and told he would stop talking about it.  He stopped talking alright, stopped talking about everything.  Wouldn't even talk to me the rest of the way home.  We get to his house and I felt like he didn't even want me there.  I asked and he told me I could go home he didn't care.  So I left.

I came back to my place and hung out with my mom, and later that night we went for a drive.  By his house of course.  As we were driving by, I noticed him standing outside talking to another female by her car.  I was so mad.  I turned so ghetto in those few minutes that I had never seen myself like that before.  I jumped out of the car and started acting like a fool.  He told me it was a friend and she left and drove away.  I was mad and we talked and he calmed me down and talked to my mom for a little while and then said he was going to get gas.  We drove around the corner and he didnt' return.  I texted him to tell him I was going back to his house because I had left my dress there and wanted to wear it the next day, but that wasn't the truth.  He said he wasn't home to go in and get it, and I asked why and he said he went for a drive.  Ok...no problem. 

So the next day on Monday, he had to work and wasn't answering any of my texts.  My friend Jayson and I wanted something to do so we went for a drive on to base and went by his work and his truck was there and then decided to go for dinner.  We went to the Burger King on base.  Still no word from Carson so the next day I noticed I was missing my headphones to my ipod that I had been playing in his truck.  So I texted him to see if he had them, and he said yes.  I told him I would get them from him sometime and he responded saying he would bring them to me and he was very angry about it.  I was like what is your problem.  He asked me who the Asian guy I was with.  I wa slike what, my friend Jayson who is gay?  And he was like whatever you were all hugged up on him have fun with your new man, goodbye.  I was like what the heck, are you serious?  So I was mad, and I found his ex the one that showed up on Friday on facebook and I wrote her.  Because she had posted a picture, a picture by the way the Carson had sent me while he was in the field on her profile.  I just asked her what was going on with them that she came over and why she was posting pictures.  She never responded and things got increasingly worse and worse with Carson and I.  So I told him that Thursday morning before work I would go over and pick my headphones up to leave them on the table, because I still had a key.  So that morning I go to his house, and I also wanted to get my other things that I had at his house, and found a receipt in his drawer.  A receipt for the Olive Garden.  Carson hates the Olive Garden.  So I was like why would he have gone there.  So I start looking, and notice it was for two people.  What?  Then I am like which olive garden did he go to, and it said Las Cruces, ok why would he go to Las Cruces to go to the Olive Garden.  Then I noticed the date and I was soooo mad.  It was for May 5, the day he told me he had a migraine and then went for the drive. 

I was beyond mad at this point.  I was seeing red.  So I have never looked through his computer before because I have always felt like that is an invasion of privacy, but something was telling me to do so that day.  So I did, and what I found was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.  First, his browser history showed that he was not only on the dating website he and I met on, but also several others to include online booty call, adult friend finder, big girl booty call finder, etc.  I was horrified.  But nothing as bad as I would be next.  I looked in his pictures folder.  There were over 500 pictures of girls and their naked body parts in that folder.  Pictures that were labeled even.  Sandra, 2009, butt...Tyona 2011 boobs.  It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my life.  I was so mad that I left his house and went out to my car and texted him.  Yes, I should have waited till I was calm, but I couldn't help it.  I said some very mean and vulgar things to him.  All he could do is respond saying he didn't go to the Olive Garden with his ex, he went there to see a "friend".  Whatever.  So the next day he came over to get his key, and we haven't talked since. 

I am completely crushed, heart broken and sad.  At first I was mad and angry, which was good, but now it's setting in of the full amount of the breakup.  Because this time it is really over.  After seeing what I saw, there is no way I could go back.  I honestly wish I would have seen those pictures earlier so I would have stopped seeing him then.  So now I don't know what to do. I am hurt and crushed.  It's a real breakup now.  And I know that so I am having a hard time dealing with it.  People say to put my online dating profile back up, but I don't want to.  I really want some time to myself.  So work on me.  I know he was the most horrible person in the world, but he hurt me so badly that I think I would take out my mistrust and anger on the next person if I don't give myself some time to breath. 

So now I don't have to worry about changing my title of my blog, but now I get to work on me.  It's good an bad.  I think I liked the idea of the future with him, or the possibility of having a future and being married etc.  But I need to not look for the possibility and be more aware of the present.  Well that is all for now.  I think I have told you all enough.  Lol.  I will try to write more now. 

Till Next Time...

All about the firsts...

It's spring time finally here in El Paso.  And I say the term spring time very loosely because in El Paso that can mean almost 90 degree weather or blowing sand that will literally slap you in the face and your allergies start to flair up big time.  With it being spring time, it always reminds of new beginnings.  Whether it might be new flowers in bloom or a new you, spring is a great time to do things you might have been putting off, or never tried before.  I have a friend, and I won't mention her name because she reads my blog (sorry lol) that has her favorite...everything.  Favorite foods.  Favorite treadmill at the gym.  Favorite restaurants.  Etc.  Like she says, she knows what she likes, and she sticks to what she knows.  I agree with her, but only to an extent.  I am always one to try something new.  I love trying new restaurants, but I will only get items off the menu that I know would be a good choice and not easily screwed up (like it's hard to mess up a grilled chicken salad, right).  I like to try new foods, but if it doesn't sound good or appealing I am definitely not trying it.  I like to go new places, but only if I know how to get there and can really have a good backup strategy if I need to leave. 

My friend that I am speaking of and I went to Sam's Club this past weekend, and as they do all the time, their sample carts where out in full swing.  Of course neither of us had lunch, and we were starved.  Not good if you are trying to stay on plan and not indulge in the not so good choices (like muffins and bagel bites).  We went to one stand and she handed me this creamy substance on a cracker and I tried it and OMG it was amazing.  I asked her what it was and she said it was Hummus.  I have never wanted to try hummus in my life, but I had to say that stuff was the bomb!  So I bought some.  It's very good.  In fact I was talking to one of my coworkers about it yesterday because I was day dreaming about how good it was..lol.  Thinking about this, I really want to open myself up a little more.  I want to pledge to try new things, to be open to new ideas.

So, my best friend from college, his name is Jayson, just moved to El Paso recently.  I have absolutely loved it.  It's been almost 10 years since we have lived in the same city, and probably that long since we have hung out too, excluding the occasional hi/bye text or visit every year.  I never realized how much I actually missed him, and I also didn't realize how many emotions and blasts from the past would be brought up.  Let me give you the run down on how Jayson and I met.

My very very very first boyfriend, John and I met online my senior year in high school, his freshman year in college.  We began talking and getting to know each other.  When I moved away for college, we actually met in person, and began our relationship.  He introduced me to his two friends, Jayson and Jose.  John was the type of guy that was your go with the flow, not easily angered, would do anything for the people he loves in his life, type of guy.  He was like a gentle giant.  (He was super tall and husky).  I liked John a lot, I didn't love him though.  John loved me a lot, and would do anything for me.  If it hadn't been for John my first semester in college, I think I would have failed.  He did my homework for me.  When I got sick on my 18th birthday, he was the first person to show up to see if I needed anything, and went and bought me ice cream and a teddy bear to make me feel better.  The first day of my new job at a hotel, I walked outside to my car, and he was standing there waiting for me with flowers and took me to dinner to celebrate my first day at work.  For our one month anniversary, and you must realize we were extremely broke college students at this point, he went and sold plasma to be able to get me something for our anniversary.  I know, he was sweet.  Tooooo sweet for my liking.  I felt like I walked all over him.  I have a very strong opinion and emotion base.  I need someone in my life who is willing to call me on that, and not be afraid or intimidated by me.  Most of the time these type of people turn out to be jerks because they are to strong minded or to into themselves.  It's a double edged sword. 

So all the time while John and I dated, I would say probably 4 or 5 months, his friends and I became close.  So when I explain the story now to people how we met, I say when John and I broke up I got custody of Jayson.  LOL.  John was super hurt by the breakup, although he was the one who did it, it rocked him to the core.  It made him bitter, which first loves will do that to a person.  So when he would talk badly about me to his friends, they stood up for me, because even though I was very overpowering at times, I was never mean to him, I was just his first heart break and he didn't know how to deal with that.  Because his friends stood up for me, he stopped seeing them or hanging out with them.  Jose eventually found a girl that kept him from seeing any of his friends at all, so he just completely dropped out of the circle, and so that left Jayson and I.  I lived in the dorms at the time, and he lived in some apartments directly across the street from my dorms.  It was convenient.  Then summer happened, and I moved in with another friend of John's, her name is Vanessa, and Vanessa and Jayson's boyfriend Chris were super close.  So we would always hang out together.  That summer I met my ex-fiance Lee and we started dating.  Lee was really jealous of my relationship with Jayson because we were so close and tight.  Although he had nothing to be jealous of, Jayson was obviously gay, he had his ways of brainwashing me, and eventually, over time, I would fall out of friendship with not only Jayson and Vanessa, but also with Chris his boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend but still good friend of all of us), my next door dorm room mate that moved in with Jayson during the summer, Stacie, and a whole slew of other characters we all used to hang out with.  Lee was very manipulative and the end of our friendship was a slow and painful one.  It was like when a string starts to unravel on a garment, one by one and then the garment is ruined, that's how Jayson and I's friendship was. 

Lee was involved in drugs pretty badly and also got me involved, although only in weed, I became a pretty big stoner.  When that happened, I got Jayson involved, because it's no fun to get high by yourself.  To this day I feel extremely guilty for that.  After Lee and I broke up, I moved back home with my mom for a while to gather my barrings and get my life back on track.  Jayson wasn't able to do that.  Instead, he moved on to bigger and better drugs.  Talking to him about it now, I can't take responsibility for that, but I still feel so guilty for even putting him on that path.  He is still not clean completely.  I don't think he ever will be unless he really is able to open his eyes and see what it has done to his life.  I was able to do that because I had the love and respect of my mom.  I cleaned my life up, got a nice job at a bank in New Mexico, finished my degree and moved onwards and upwards.  He on the other hand continued to use drugs, had several part time jobs at fast food and retail and finally finished his degree a couple years ago after taking almost 8 years to complete.  He is working on his MBA, but he put that on hold until further notice because he moved here to El Paso.  He works at Best Buy.  Part time.  But one good thing, I guess one of the many substances he had been on got him on a healthy kick (he used to be quite overweight), and he has lost a tremendous amount of weight and eats healthy, although he still used drugs so it makes no sense to me lol. 

Jayson and I, although come from a very sorted past, are like those friends who haven't seen or talked to each other in years, but can pick up like it was just yesterday that we were hanging out.  Now thingss are a lot different, we are grown ups for one.  That's like so different for me.  We have real bills and real problems, not just the stupid college problems that we used to have.  I have a career and he is searching for his career.  we have had relationships and friendships during the past 10 years that we are now able to talk about with each other.  It's like finding your long lost soul mate.  Don't worry, I don't allow him to do drugs around me or in my house, and I definitely would not participate if he where ever do them around me.  That's not what I am about these days.  But it's nice being able to say, hey remember that time in college when we did this...  or remember this from college, etc.  It's nice. 

We have also been able to analyze various things from our past such as my relationship with John and Lee.  His relationship with Chris and others.  Our other friends that were part of the group and also, most importantly, our friendship.  We have had some very long nights of staying up late and talking forever about everything.  I love it.  It's like we never skipped a beat and we never had any bad blood between us.  A friendship that I thought I would never be able to recover, because most of the friendships from that time period I definitely won't be able to, it's nice being able to catch up.  He loves to go to zumba and the gym with me.  He loves to cook now, like I do.  So we try to have like top chef competitions in our head because we are both to tired by the end of the day and evening when we are talking about it, neither of us could cook lol.  So that explains the story of my first boyfriend, and also goes with the somewhat theme although skewed slightly and not really quite on topic anymore about trying new things.  Just when I thought a friendship between Jayson and I could never work again, I tried something new and went for it.  Normally in the past, in trying to avoid conflict, I would have ignored him so I didn't have to face my demons in my closet.  I am not proud of what happened in college.  But it has made me the person I am today because I am stronger today than I am yesterday. 

So I challenge you, to do something new.  Try something you wouldn't normally have tried before.  It's not really that bad.  Oh and tonight is weigh in.  I lost 7.8lbs last week after two weeks of gaining.  I only need to lose 1.2lbs to reach my 75lb mark.  I hope I can make it after my crazy weekend of eating.  And I only worked out four times this week and not my normal 5/6 times.  Wish me luck.

I'm a loser....

Just as the title says....I AM A LOSER!!!!!!  This week at weigh in I lost 6.6lbs.  I know to a few different people that seems like a lot of weight to lose in a 7 day time period, but if you can actually take a look back at my weight record, for the past 4 weeks prior, it went something like this:

Week 1, .2lb loss
Week 2, 1lb loss
Week 3, .6lb gain
Week 4, .2lb loss

So with all those little losses and small gain, I needed something to get me out of the plateau I was in, and the funk I was in.  For those of you that are trying to lose weight, I am fairly certain you know how I feel at this very moment.  For those of you who aren't, I am sure at one point in your life, you needed something to pull you out of the horrible funk that you were in.  And that is exactly what it did for me.  I am elated.  I am excited.  I am extatic.  I am every happy word in the dictionary right now.  And I am proud to call myself a LOSER!!!! 

I knew I was in a funk for the past few weeks.  I am a very emotional person.  I was going through a lot personally and financially, and those emotions were at an all time high, along with being sick and my Dr. changing up some of my medicine, it made for a lethal combination.  That is no excuse for how I acted, or better yet, reacted to certain situations going on in my life.  Sometimes (let's be honest, most of the time, like 99.9% of the time), I think from my heart, rather than with a clear and objective mind.    In recognizing that, I was able to patch up a dear and very close to my heart, friendship, that may have been completely ruined had we not sat down and talked.  I am very thankful to have this person in my life and thankful she understood what was going on with me and was there to be supportive and a true friend when I needed her the most.  Love you boo!

Ok, so let me update you on what's been going on with me lately.  Last time we talked, I was sick, with what I think was just a stomach virus or stomach flu, not really sure what it was but man it took a lot out of me.  I didn't work out exactly like I wanted to that week, and also didn't eat exactly like I wanted to, eating out was a daily habit of mine.  So when I gained, it wasn't surprising.  Then I had a .2lb loss the next week and I was like ok, what the heck is going on, there is obviously something going on.  I am not losing like I normally do, granted I was in a funk, granted I wasn't doing everything perfect, but still I knew there was something up.  See, the thing is, I have PCOS.  Polycystic ovary syndrome.  The webmd description of it is: 

Polycystic ovary syndrome (say "pah-lee-SIS-tik OH-vuh-ree SIN-drohm") is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease. For reasons that are not well understood, in PCOS the hormones get out of balance. One hormone change triggers another, which changes another. For example: The sex hormones get out of balance. Normally, the ovaries make a tiny amount of male sex hormones (androgens). In PCOS, they start making slightly more androgens. This may cause you to stop ovulating, get acne, and grow extra facial and body hair. or: The body may have a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn't use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. Over time, this causes extreme weight gain and this also increases your chance of getting diabetes.

I was first diagnosed with this problem in 2006, although I have been living with it and experiencing all the symptoms and problems since I was a teenager.  The most common symptoms are:

• Acne.
• Weight gain and trouble losing weight.
• Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back.
• Thinning hair on the scalp.
• Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
• Fertility problems. Many women who have PCOS have trouble getting pregnant (infertility).
• Depression.

Well part of my treatment for this is birth control, which helps regulate my periods and keep them somewhat normal and also helps with acne (I have never had a bad complexion, even when I was young, but I do have flair ups which are horrible), and metformin.  Metformin is a drug more commonly used for people with diabetes to help control blood sugar levels, but because I don't have diabetes, it still helps lower my blood sugar levels, and also aids in the process of losing weight (due to it lowering blood sugar levels, it helps the insulin attack the sugar quicker). 

Before starting weight watchers, I did see a doctor, not the same one I have today, about what options I had as far as losing weight etc and that is when he prescribed the metformin.  When I was diagnosed in 2006, the doctor in Colorado prescribed glucophage (which is the brand name of metformin) and also had me see a nutritionist, and follow up appts, etc.  It's true that a person has to be ready, ready to lose weight, ready to quit smoking, ready to do whatever before it can be sucessful for them or they will just be waisting their time.  Which is exactly what happened with me.  I wans't ready.  Plus he would only prescribe the brand name product, no generics for the medicine, and the prescription was 50.00 for a month supply.  Outrageous!  So I quit going to him, and the nutritionist and taking the medicine. 

So back to my story, as I stated, I did see a Doctor before starting WW, but I didn't like him very much, he was very impersonable and rude, so I switched doctors.  When I started going to my current doctor, all I did was write down a list of prescriptions that I took, and brought that with me.  Well in doing so, I forgot to write that the metformin I was taking was the ER, extended release.  So when she filled my prescriptions, all she gave me was for regular metformin.  I didn't notice at first because I still had some old prescriptions from my old doctor.  About a month ago, I refilled my metformin she prescribed and it's a completely different pill than before.  A lot smaller in fact.  I didn't think anything of it until I started having these weight loss anomolies.  So I made an appt with my doctor for last Friday.

I showed her the prescription and we soon figured out that she didn't prescribe the extended release version.  Problem solved.  I have been experiencing a lot of swelling in my legs and feet lately, something that was quite normal before WW, but it had gone down since, and now was re-appearing.  So she precribed me a diaretic to help release some of the water that was being held up in my body.  She also prescribed some Paxil (an anti-depressent) because I was explaining to her that I have been experiencing some extreme emotions lately, when I am happy, I am happy, when I am sad, I am truly sad and it's weird because it can change in an instant.  Well I took it for the first few days, but then on Monday I fainted. 

Like normal, I woke up, got in the shower, and then went outside to smoke.  (I know smoking is bad, I am tackling one problem at a time).  I was standing outside and started to feel really naseaus.  Then I started to feel really light headed.  So I decided to go in but I remember walking through the door, closing it behind me but I didn't push it hard enough so it wasn't closed properly, and I remember telling myself that I needed to close it and then boom....I hit the floor.  I could feel myself falling, I could hear myself scream because I hit my head really hard on the ground, but it was like I wasn't in my body.  It was like I was hearing and feeling someone else faint.  So I woke up, searched for my phone to see what time it was, it had only been about two minutes, and I was breathing really hard and covered in sweat.  I have experienced those symptoms before and it was due to low blood sugar, so I knew I needed to eat something, so I was able to get to the refrigerator and drank some orange juice.  I felt immediately better.  It really freaked me out.  I tore a pinky toenail off because I guess my foot hit a side table, I hit my head and got this huge scrape on my back shoulder blade from hitting the desk.  Yeah...I felt like I lost that fight for sure. 

So I get to work and I start researching the Paxil, thinking it was related to that, but no, it was just due to low blood sugar (which I am going to have to be extra careful about because I am taking drugs to already lower it, so I need to be more aware of that), but I stumbled upon several user reviews for Paxil that I was completely freaked out about.  The first common and major complaint was....drum roll please.....weight gain!  Ummm....90% of my depression is due to my weight, so why would I want to feel numb to emotions but be fat?  Makes no sense.  I would rather be skinny and learn to deal with my emotions like a real person lol.  Also, they talked about when they got off of Paxel, it was like they were essentially crack addicts, going through withdrawals, etc.  I was like Ummm yeah, no.  Not for me. 

So in the last week, I had also changed up my normal workout routine.  I went to a Zumba class.  It was a lot different than the first time I went, I really liked this one.  I also started doing more eliptical rather than just treadmill.  I didn't eat out as much.  And the final result....a 6.6lb weight loss.  YAY me!  I am currently sitting at a total of 71.6lbs lost.  And my current weight is 285lbs.  Wow!  I feel amazing! 

As far as guys and dating...still nothing exciting.  Giving up POF for Lent has been a small blessing in disguise.  I actually enjoy not having it.  I enjoy being able to focus on myself.  I enjoy being able to reconnect with friends, and rest and relax without any of the drama.  But what I have missed that I also gave up for Lent is Buffalo Wings.....OMG...I sure hope Easter hurries the heck up.  I think my favorite wing place opens at 11, I will be the first in line.  I am dying for some wings.  The gas station I go to is right next to the wing place, and I have had to stop going there because the wonderful wing smell wafts in the air right as I am filling my gas tank.  Yeah...I am ready, I think it's only about two weeks away.  Hopefully!

Well, until next time!

Friends, feeling sorry for myself, and being sick

I was reading some one's blog recently, and she said that she hates when she reads other people's blogs that don't keep it real. That won't talk about the gains, the hardships, the tough times. But rather only talk about the loses, the good times and the triumphs. I agree with her, and I have to admit that I tend to be one of those people who only talk about the positive things, so I vow to keep it real and talk about everything. The good and the bad.

So I worked out hard last week.  Hard.  101 activity points to be exact.  I maybe didn't eat exactly perfect, but I did track everything though.  So I weighed in yesterday and had a gain of .4lbs.  I was super surprised because I wasn't expecting a gain.  Although going back and thinking about everything I ate, I probably didn't make the most wise choices in what I ate.  In fact, I think I had one meal eaten out (fast food or restaurant) each day.  I know that sounds like a lot, but when I don't get off work until 630pm, come home, change, go to the gym for like an hour, it's super late.  To late to come home and then cook and cleanup afterwards.  Hence why I eat out.  I take my lunch to work with me everyday.  I used to eat out before I joined weight watchers for that meal every day, but now I am pretty good about taking my lunch. 

So I made a plan.  A lot of the problem I have is deciding what I want to have.  And making sure I have enough supplies on hand to have that meal.  If I have it, it's not so bad to cook and make time to do so and clean up afterwards.  So I created a meal calendar.  In making that, I looked for some different recipes that I am excited to try.  I allotted myself two nights in the two week plan to eat out.  So that's good.  I also made a pretty extensive grocery list out for things I need to go buy. 

So yesterday I went to the most amazing luncheon that this motivational speaker really caught my attention.  It was an amazing speech and most amazing lunch too.  It was buffet style and you would have thought I never ate before in my life.  I put enchiladas, turkey, orzo, stuffing, and steamed veggies on my plate.  It was sooo good.  But I got back to work and my stomach immediately started disagreeing with me. 

I felt sick.  I went to the bathroom, and I threw up.  My boss sent me home early from work and I went ahead and worked out, and went to weigh in.  I ate and was fine, went to bed and woke up and was great.  I ate breakfast and it hit me again.  I was super sick.  So I went to work because it was to late to call in sick, but as soon as my boss got in I went home.  I ate lunch and took a nap and was sick again when I woke up.  I wish I could feel better.  It sucks being sick.  And I hate being alone when I am sick too.  It's the worst feeling.  My mom has never been to empathetic when I have been sick, her solution:  get a trash can.  Yeah, exactly what she said to me over the phone.  When I called her crying today because I was feeling sorry for myself, she finally got it that I was "really" sick and she felt bad, but it was to late, I had already tried calling a few people, and one person was like wow that sucks and then really didn't want to have much of a conversation with me after that, and the other person was like let me know if you need anything and when I asked if they could come sit with me, they were busy and couldn't, so why even offer I thought. 

Ughh, I just really am getting so tired of people lately.  I understand everyone has their own life and their own things going on in that life, but when I am needed, I try to always be there, but when it comes to things that I need, nobody is there.  Nobody ever cares.  Even with me being sick, nobody except one coworker has called to check on me.  I don't know if I am just feeling sorry for myself, but this really sucks.  You feel like you have people in your life for a purpose, that they are supposed to be in your life to teach you something, but I didn't know that everyone in your life is supposed to be teaching you not to fully trust people, and don't get to attached because they will just walk away when it's convenient for them, or when they just need something from you.  I know I am being super dramatic, but I am just really hurt and depressed right now over a few situations going on in my life. 

So as for guys, really I don't have much going on in that department.  Carson contacted me on Valentines Day and we started talking and the gist of the conversation was that he was sorry, and he missed me and that he was gonna do anything to get me back.  I told him we could be friends and see where it goes.  I didn't want to rush anything.  Everything had been going good for the rest of the week and I went out of town that weekend to my mom's house.  He had told me on Thursday that week that an old friend from Dallas was coming to visit him for the weekend (it was president's day weekend) and he didn't want there to be any secrets or to hold anything from me.  I thought it meant a lot for him to actually tell me that because he wouldn't have in the past.  On Saturday before I left to go out of town, btw his house is on the way for me to head out of town, I texted him asking if I could stop by and meet his friend.  He said no, he didn't feel comfortable with that.  I was like WHAT?!?!?!...what do you mean your not comfortable with that.  It made no sense to me.  So I left and went out of town, and that night, I was on facebook, and we are not friends on facebook, and his profile is private, but I can still see who he adds as friends to his profile.  He had added this girl that her url for facebook happened to be dbdacarson well his initials are DBC DB Carson (I just call him Carson because I am trying to keep his anonymity), and her name was Dolores A, so to me that was saying that they either were in a relationship or had one or whatever.  Another girl that he added had tagged herself in a place of "my bed" saying all cozy in my bed, someone had commented saying what a lucky bed, she said thanks, and oh guess what, I am engaged.  I scroll up to see she posted a picture of Carson.  A picture btw he sent me months ago when he was out in the field.  She put on the photo "Que Sexy" and people's comments were like oh he looks nice and she said he was, people said he looked better than her last man and she said I know thanks, etc.  I was beyond mad.  I had asked him if he was seeing anyone when he contacted me on Valentines Day and he said he had dated a few girls but nothing serious, and he was going to stop talking to them to try and get me back.  So the fact that he is saying all this bs about trying to get me back, and then finding this bs on facebook, I was beyond mad and upset.  So I contacted him and asked him what was going on and he responded that he can't control what other people post on facebook, that I was just starting bs.  He got really mad at me.  And my way to respond to him, which I know isn't right but I feel like it's the only way for me to communicate with him to get a response from him, I pick at him and pick.  So I kept sending random texts saying I hope you got her a nice engagement ring and I hope you have a nice wedding and have a nice life together, stuff like that, stuff that I knew would hurt him, but I also knew I would get a response from him.  I know it's not right and now realize that I can't communicate with him like that because it doesn't get me anywhere.  I even messaged the girl that said she was engaged to him, and she never responded.  So a few days passed, and we started talking again, and it wasn't good.  We both were angry and we both had a lot to say but felt like all we were doing was repeating the same stuff, the same stuff from that conversation, from months ago, from everything.  It was redundant.  See I am sure I have explained this before but early on in our relationship, there were some trust issues that emerged.  So since then, I have tried, but I have absolutely no trust, I will get some and he will just do something to make it all disappear.  So since then, we have talked, and we have also hung out three times, but it's not the same.  We try, but it's still there.  We even try not to bring it up, but everything gets brought up at some point and he ends up getting angry, and doesn't want to discuss anything and nothing gets resolved.  I don't know what we are, what we are doing, nothing, we talk everyday, but the extent of our conversation is this:  Me, good morning, him, gm, me, have a good day, him, u2, me good night, him gn i love you.  That's pretty much it. 

IDK...I know a lot of the issues I have with guys in general are insecurities and they are insecurities due to my weight and body and issues I have from my father as well.  Issues that have developed over the years and years of broken hearts and dealing with men.  I am tired of feeling like I have to settle for someone who doesn't treat me right.  People say oh you deserve better just dump 'em, they aren't worth it, but to me, I feel like another guy isn't going to come along.  That no other guy in the world is going to even want to be around me.  I don't know how to even get over that.  To learn what my worth is.  Like the Alicia Keys song, A woman's worth...I have no idea. 

As far as friends, yeah haven't felt like I have had a lot of friends lately.  I feel like I have been pushed to the side.  I used to have a life that I was never at home, now I have a life that if I am not at work or the gym, I am at home.  Why?  Because my friends don't want to hang out.  Not sure if I have done something or what, but that is how I feel.  I have asked, but I am always told no.  So I don't know what to do.  There is only so much I can do.

So also to top all this off, I went last weekend to get my hair done and a mani/pedi.  Now, for the past 15 years, there has only been one person to do my hair.  She is the only one I trusted, the only one I would even let near my hair.  Well she recently quit doing hair.  She got a job with benefits for the school system, which I understand, but it completely sucks because now I don't know where to go.  On top of that, anything that I ever got done with her was free.  My mom did her accounting so in trade she would give us free services.  So not only was I looking for a new place to get my hair done, but somewhere relatively cheap because I did not want to be 120 to get a hair cut lol.  It wasn't going to happen.  So I researched beauty schools and found this really nice one right down the street from my house.  Now yes it is a beauty school, but they have instructors there and they are also super conscious of what they are doing because they don't want to make any mistakes.  So I got my hair done.  Loved it!  It actually turned out really well and I am very impressed.  Now, she did my manicure in between my hair setting so I felt a bit rushed, but it still turned out really well.  My pedicure on the other hand...not so much.  I get really bad ingrown toe nails because of the way my toe nails grow.  So I had this wonderful lady in Colorado that could pick 'em out and they would be amazing.  But I haven't been able to find anyone here, so my toes where so sore and they needed some attention.  So she started with my right foot and drug one of her tools up the side of my toe and I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain.  She didn't even do anything, however because it's already sore and hurting it just started bleeding out of control.  She finished the pedicure, mind you not digging out the sides and them still hurting.  I got home and my right toe was killing me.  The next day I put my tennis shoes on to go workout and it was so much pain.  I stopped and got some hydrogen peroxide and Epsom salt and came home and socked the toe.  I have had to do this every morning and night along with two Motrin each time just to control the pain.  I have also had to bandage the toe because it's leaking puss.  Gross, I know.  I am sure she gave me an infection, but I am sure my ingrown didn't help.  I also don't know what to do about it.  I don't want to go to a podiatrist because all they will do is pull the whole nail off and I don't want that.  I have had it done before and it's not fun. 

Well that's all my complaining and feeling sorry for myself.  Until next time....