So as the title states, I am in a funk. I don't know why. I don't know how it started. But it seems like ever since I hit my 100lb mark, everything has gone downhill. Quickly. I was so motivated to meet my goal that once I did, I think I have just given up. Don't get me wrong, I still tend to watch what I eat. Not close at all. I don't measure, I don't count points, I don't think about the consequences anymore. But at least when I am making food choices, I am trying to make smarter ones than the worst you could possibly make. I was still working out. Was in the past tense. I haven't been to the gym since Friday. That helped me not gain as much weight over the last four weeks as I should have, but now I have completely given up and abandoned that.
I have started anew today. I so far have tracked everything I have eaten. Pre-tracked my workout after work and before my weigh in. And I plan to be the best I have ever been this week. I said that last week too. The week before also. But you know what....I can't let myself fall anymore. I am the only one who is sabotaging myself. I could say no to the bad things. I could make time for workouts. I always feel better, even if I have no time in the world, after a workout. I need to get back into that mentality. I need to start putting myself first. I have definitely gotten away from doing that recently.
So every month, the week before TOM comes to visit, I always get super emotional and super sensitive, either in a good way or in a bad way. Last month it was a good way. This month not so much. And that is what I am experiencing right now. I tend to let every little thing bother me, and everyone, and every stress and problem I have in the world seems to be sitting on my shoulders pushing me down right now. I am stressed. I feel like I am drowning and I can't seem to get back afloat with everything in my life right now, not just the weight loss part.
I have a cousin, she is 17, and she is in her senior year in high school. She is always posting on facebook about her day, whether she has a good day or a bad day. Well yesterday, she posted something about friends, and how they say they are your friends, but in the end they really aren't. I had to laugh. Because although I understand how it feels, as I am sure everyone reading this can, when a friend or someone you thought you could trust turns on you, it hurts. But I thought to myself, to be 17 again, and to think because one of your friends turned on you is the end of the world, I would soooo love to be back at that age and think that was the most stressful thing you will ever encounter. Because this girl gave her a dirty look, her whole life is in turmoil. Man, if she only knew. And she will. But for now, I would love for that to be my biggest concern in life. Ahhh...the days.
So about my dating life....hmmm.... complicated. The guy I talked about last time turned out to be a jerk. He went out with my friends and I for my birthday, and the next day after everyone posted pictures of him and I on face book, and he was tagged in them, I guess his other girlfriend(s) found out and weren't to happy. He eventually deleted his face book, and me not knowing why, found out about the other girls. Oh well. He was young. I am not stupid. I would have found out sooner or later.
In that moment, I figured something out. I am tired of investing so much time and energy and resources into one individual, to turn around and then be given treatment like that. So I have decided to become a player. Not really. But decided to not put all my eggs in one basket. They aren't, so why should I? So I started dating again. Nothing serious. Just hanging out with guys, getting to know them. Seeing where it goes. A few have bumped themselves off the list, either by not putting in enough effort, or by me not being interested in them after meeting them. I think I have a good bunch of guys going right now. I am not becoming serious with any of them, but it's been nice doing the juggling act. Sometimes I forget who I had which conversation with, but I tend to be OK in the end. The only problem that it's been is time consuming. I hardly hang out with my friends anymore. I barely talk to my mom. I never have time for me! I think that's also a big contributor to the fact that I have fallen off the weight loss wagon. Not that any of these guys are unsupportive, it's just hard to plan around when you have two-three dates a day trying to keep up with phone calls and texts...so I think I am going to drop a few of them, and keep it simple maybe like two or three guys that I can keep up with. Then the more time passes, the more I can narrow it down, and then eventually end up with either nothing and starting over, or end up with one guy I really like. Who knows.
Other than that, that's all that is going on. I got my flight booked to Florida for my cruise. I got my passport in the mail. I am all set! I am very excited! Only about 5 1/2 weeks left. Not to shabby. Anyways, enough of me feeling sorry for myself. I am going to try to be positive Patty for the rest of the day! No Matter!
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